Do Not Abandon Your Mission

I know it's been a long time since I posted on my blog.  You can't see this, but I have a list of posts that are sitting as drafts.  I don't know about you, but I can't quite seem to find a good chunk of time to sit down and write a post, let alone complete one.  When I went back to my list of drafts, I get disillusioned because it just reminds me yet again of all my good intentions, yet failing to complete tasks at hand.  Such is my life as a mom, I suppose. 

I have to admit, though, that this has been a busy season, a difficult season, an empty season.  Those adjectives sound so contradictory, yet true.  Yes, in the midst of busyness, one can feel empty.  I confess that busyness is my drug.  My attempt to mask the pain of emptiness and loneliness.  At the end of the day, even though I've done a,b,c with x,y,z, my soul still yearns to be filled.  And in my emptiness, it is not difficult for the evil one to fill it with lies, accusations, threats, death.

A week ago, I said ENOUGH! 

I need Jesus.

I need Him to fill me.  I need Him to restore me, love me, and to give me peace.  Yes, peace!  The kind of peace that surpasses understanding, as He promised in Philippians 4.  The peace that calmed the storm in Matthew 12.  The pure, unadulterated peace that chases away doubt, chaos, fear, lies, and then envelopes you with calmness, stillness, contentment, REST, hope, and truth! 

It was a week ago that I had the privilege to help my good friend, Becky, out at the Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Church.  It's been 4 years since I last went, and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to go this year.  Becky was representing Freedom Firm, an organization that rescues girls from the brothels in India who had been sold into sex trafficking, and Freedom Firm's work also encompasses the restoration and rehabilitation of these girls (www.freedomfirm.org).  I was thrilled to be able to help Becky for 2 days, and even more so, I'm so proud of her for living out her dream and fulfilling her holy discontent.

God chose to bless me over the 2 days that I was at the Summit.  Even though I was there to serve, I was blessed and convicted by the messages that I heard during the sessions.  That's the beauty of the GLS.  You don't have to be a leader to appreciate and be reminded of the truths of God's word and the love our great God has for each of us.  But as a leader, the messages were encouraging, thought-provoking, and almost like a friend who is there to cheer you on as you reflect on your leadership role and responsibilities. 

I loved Colin Powell's message (yes, THE Colin Powell...see pic below.  Since I was helping out at a booth, I could not be in the auditorium.  But we had an excellent view of the screens that showed what was going on in the main auditorium!). 

He was articulate, down-to-earth, relatable, and funny at times.  But one thing that stood out to me in his message was "do not abandon your mission".  As a mom, there are days when I've just had it.  I've given myself a time-out just to have some quiet in my bedroom, or even taken long, intentional potty breaks, to literally sit and be still!  God has called me to be a mom.  It's one of my missions.  But obviously, I can't abandon my kids!  But I believe that it's somewhat abandonment if I'm not being the mom whom God has called me to be.  I'm not saying we have to be "on" 24/7, or to be the perfect, pinterest-personified mom.   But a mom who seeks after God and His Kingdom first.  A mom who is real, and surrenders herself, failures and all, to Jesus.  A mom who says "I can't do this.  I suck at this.  I hate this." and brings all her insecurities and fears on her knees to God.  A mom who is knee-deep in laundry and dishes, and is having a hard time finding joy in all things, but raises her soap-lathered hands and just closes her eyes and whispers "Jesus give me strength".  I know God sees us.  He sees you.  I know there'll be a special place in the heavenly spas for us moms.  But while we're here on earth, we need to be faithful to the calling that God has for our lives. 

"Do not abandon your mission."  It doesn't just have to be motherhood, but also ministry, work, being a wife or a good friend. 

But how can I be the mom (or wife or friend) God has called me to be if I'm feeling empty?  This is when I knew it's time for some soul care.

As I listened to the messages at the Summit, something happened in my soul.  I wanted the conference to go on for days, because as I sat there listening and being blessed and reminded of truths, I just wanted more and more of it.  It was like a dry desert plain that was experiencing the first drops of rain, and it was absorbing every ounce of moisture that touched it's surface.  And in my soul, I just knew I needed more of this.  More of Jesus. 

So, the week after the Summit was over, I committed to listening to messages online in the afternoons while Becca napped and the older kids had some quiet down time.  I downloaded messages onto iTunes and listened to them as I trained for my half-marathon.  I listened to Elderege, Ortberg, Christine Caine like a million times!  And while I only started this commitment not too long ago, I know that it's only doing good for my soul.  And I pray that, in time, the truths of God's word and love delivered through gifted speakers, can and will transform me from the inside out. 

I was blessed by Patrick Lencioni, Brene Brown, Henry Cloud, and others at the conference, and I could write so much more about how their words have encouraged me.  And maybe I will as I continue on my journey of wanting more of Jesus. 

Colin Powell also posed the question, "Were you a good soldier?"  I know that when the day comes for God to call me home, He will ask me a similar question as I stand before Him to give an account of my life.  Have I been a good warrior?  Have I fought the good fight?  Did I run the race well?  Have I been faithful to Him who has set me apart to be His? 

I want to be able to look at my Jesus in the eye and say that I have tried, though not perfectly, but I've tried.  And my heart's desire is to hear him say, "My beloved!  My good and faithful servant."

The List...#5 & #6

#5.  Pride & Prejudice

I love Jane Austen.  I love Pride & Prejudice.  I love everything about the 19th century, particularly in England.  I love historical fiction. 

I majored in English in college (or as we say it, at the University!) back in Australia, with a concentration on early and late 19th Century literature.  From an early age, I had a love for reading.  I remember crawling into bed with a torch (or flashlight), and had to go under the covers to continue reading after it was past my bedtime.  It was without surprise that I had to wear glasses at the young age of 7, because of my constant escapades with reading in very poorly lit environments!  But reading was my form of escapism.  I dived right into the world of fiction and adventure.  My first favorite author was Enid Blyton who was an English children's writer, and she wrote the 22-book series called "The Famous Five".  It is similar to the American version of the Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew.  I also read her entire collection of "The Secret Seven", and all the books of the "St. Claire's" series, which is about twin girls going off to boarding school in England.  As my love for reading grew, so did my love for writing.  I wanted to grow up to be a freelance journalist, possibly traveling the world and writing...my 2 great passions at that time.

When I was in secondary school (which is equivalent to junior high/high school), I was introduced to Jane Austen, and the wonderful world of Pride and Prejudice.  And there was no turning back after that!  I fell in love with everything Jane Austen!  I read and reread all her books.  While I enjoyed Sense and Sensibility, Emma, and Northanger Abbey, Pride and Prejudice captured my heart, and it became my favorite book of all times. 

I loved the spunkiness of Elizabeth, and secretly wished that I could be more like her - smart, witty, confident, self-assured, not really caring what other people thought of her, stayed true to herself and her convictions, fought for what is right and stood up for herself (loved it when she stood up to Lady Catherine de Burgh!  or Catherine de bleh!...as I used to call her!).

I'm such an Austen nerd that I made it a point to visit Chawton in Hampshire when I was in England.  In 2005, I was visiting my sister who lived in London at that time, and made a day trip out to the English countryside!  I was giddy with excitement on the bus to Chawton, and Jared was a good sport to accompany me on my crazy quest to find the birthplace of my favorite author.  The bus took us to the small town of Chawton, and we literally had to walk across the grassy knolls to get to Jane Austen's house.  Of course I had to pretend that I was an Austen character and was living out the day-to-day routine of having to walk from place-to-place if a carriage was not available.  It took everything in me to not steal anything from the Austen household!  I was mesmerized and in awe of being there (I think Jared was probably wondering if there was a nearby pub that had ESPN).  After spending some time there, we took another bus which took us to Winchester Cathedral where she was buried.  I had to pay my respects to her.

It was an amazing day for this Jane Austen fan!

     

Jane Austen's house

Jane's writing desk!

Anyway, this year, as a tribute to the 200th Anniversary of Pride & Prejudice (as well as it being on my 40 List!), I wanted to reread the book and re-watch all the movies that have been made about the book.  Needless to say, it was an enjoyable feat!  So, if I haven't already bored you, here's my account of the movies that I own and have seen umpteenth times:

My Pride & Prejudice movie collection!

Pride & Prejudice - BBC version with Colin Firth:

By far my favorite!  This version stays truest to the story of P&P.  The fact that it's a 6-hour mini series gives it liberty to work the details of the story into the movie, unlike the Hollywood versions who try to cram everything into 90 minutes or so, which doesn't give the book justice at all!

Pride & Prejudice - Hollywood version with Keira Knightley:

It was okay, though I really like Matthew McFadyen as Mr. Darcy.  While the movie stayed true to the story, the writers/producers took a lot of liberty with the script.  They added their own interpretation of what Austen wrote.  I've never been a big fan of Keira Knightley, so I thought they could have cast someone better.  But casting Tom Hollander as Mr. Collins was brilliant.  He was awkward, funny, and highly entertaining!

Lost in Austen:

This is fun modern-day-meets-19th-century-world-of-Elizabeth-and-Darcy movie.  It's about a woman who loves Pride and Prejudice and everything about it, and she somehow finds a portal that transports her to the Bennett household.  She and Elizabeth Bennett actually trade places (yes, Lizzy comes to live in modern day England, while Amanda becomes a guest in the Bennett household).  But the story is more about Amanda meeting all the characters of Pride and Prejudice, and how she tries to prevent certain plots from occurring because that would just ruin the whole story, like forcing Mr. Bingley to NOT fall in love with her because he needs to fall in love with Jane to remain true to the story.  For Downton Abbey fans, Hugh Bonneville (Sir Grantham) is Mr. Bingley.  And by far, this version has the creepiest Mr. Collins EVER!  Eek...he literally makes my skin crawl!  Overall, this movie is different, but entertaining!

Bride & Prejudice:

Okay, true confession...watching this movie is one of my guilty pleasures!  It is the Bollywood version of Pride and Prejudice, and it is soooo fun to watch!  There's dancing and singing, and it is so colorful!  You have to overlook some of the cheesiness, but you'll definitely find this fun and entertaining!  The story is based in India, so just imagine the Bennett family as Indians, and the story does stay true to the plot.  I guarantee that you'll be smiling and singing along!  And Aishwarya Rai (who plays the Elizabeth character) is truly gorgeous!  Mr. Darcy (Martin Henderson) isn't too bad himself!

As I was looking on Amazon.com, I noticed that there is an older version of Pride and Prejudice starring Laurence Olivier and Ann Rutherford.  I will have to watch that soon!

If I haven't bored you yet, here's my fantasy cast of Pride and Prejudice:

Elizabeth Bennett - I'm still not sure...it's a huge role!  If Jennifer Gardner can pull off a British accent, maybe it could work.  But she's so sweet, unless she unleashes her Alias character!
Mr. Darcy - toss up between Matthew McFadyen (in the Hollywood version) or Hugh Jackman
Mr. Bingley - Eddie Redmayne (he played Marius from Les Mis)
Jane Bennett - Nicole Kidman or a blonde Jennifer Gardner
Mr. Bennett - Hugh Bonneville (from Downton Abbey)
Mrs. Bennett - Emma Thompson
Mr. Wickham - not sure...who's someone you'd love to hate?  Maybe Ryan Gosling?
Caroline Bingley - Mary from Downton Abbey (I forgot what her real name is)
Lady Catherine de Burgh - Maggie Smith (from Downton Abbey)

Mr. Collins - anyone weird and creepy, though I do like Tom Hollander from the Hollywood version, he's also in the Pirates of the Carribean), or Russell Crowe...haha!

 

And to show you what a freak I am, here are some of my Jane Austen/Pride & Prejudice collectables:

 

I bought this coffee mug and kitchen towel with the inscription of Mr. Darcy's profession of love to Elizabeth.

 

English Tea is my absolute favorite!

 

Books I bought when I was in Chawton.

Yes!  They even have a board book of P&P!  This is a counting book.  I believe the baby board book for Sense & Sensibility covers numbers and Emma covers shapes (or something like that!)

 

#6. Go to the movies by myself

I thought it would be weird, but it wasn't.  It was actually quite nice!  I mean, you don't talk to people during the movie anyway.  I actually walked out of there with a huge smile on my face...maybe because I finally did it, and the movie had a happy ending. 

I was on my personal retreat, and I thought it would be neat to go catch a movie by myself, just to break up the day.  I watched "Safe Haven", another movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book.  I didn't have any expectations, but it turned out to be pretty good.  I loved "The Notebook", and Jared liked "The Lucky One" (oops, I hope he doesn't kill me for disclosing this!).  I think "Safe Haven" is in between, but with a thriller twist. 

'Nuff said.  I did it!  And I'm proud of myself for doing it.  I may have to make this a regular thing!

Shanghai Girls...and a tribute.

 

It's been a while since I wrote a "book report", but I just finished Lisa See's novel "Shanghai Girls".  For those of you who know me, I love historical fiction.  But nothing intrigues me more than reading stories that are set in China or the Far East.  I love reading about different Chinese characters, walking with them through their hardships, their lives steep in culture and traditions, while at the same time, longing to be free of cultural expectations.

I devour these books because I feel there are elements of my Chinese heritage that I want to learn more about, and there are missing pieces in my family history that I've longed to put together.  As I read these novels, I'm intrigued and I'm connected, and I picture my grandmother and grandfather as characters in these stories.

Lisa See is such a gifted story-teller.  Her previous book "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" reminded me of my great-grandmother when she described Chinese women with bound feet, and she gave an intricate account of how a foot is bound.  It was so interesting (and painful!) to read about it, and it took me back to memories of my great-grandmother whom I had the honor and privilege to know for at least 10 years before she passed away.  I remember her small little feet, the way she would waddle, her quiet demeanor, and the love and adoration her children had for her.  At the same time, I remember thinking how blessed I am that I was born in the day and age where feet-binding was not an expectation.  As I think about it, I'm only 2 generations removed from the patriarchal, feet-binding era.  And when I think about the decisions that my grandparents made, particularly their escape from China under Japanese occupation, I would not be where I am today.  It gives me chills to think that I could've been born in China and how my life would be so different from what it is today.

The central theme to Lisa See's historical fiction is about relationships between women, usually mother-daughter, or sister-sister.  I love how she has given the Chinese women a voice during a time when male dominance prevailed.  Typically, you see how quiet, demure these Chinese women are.  But surely, they have opinions and feelings just like everyone else.  Girls from a young age were groomed to become wives, take orders from their husbands and mothers-in-law, and expected to produce sons to carry on their husband's family name.  Throughout the course of history, Chinese or otherwise, women are considered lower class than men.  Parents want sons, not daughters.  I know that unfathomable things are done to baby girls in China, even today (hence my holy discontent...but that's a story for another day!).  So, it's refreshing that Lisa See is verbalizing the thoughts and dreams of these Chinese women.  The relationships between the women are powerful.  Back in the day (and perhaps still today), being outwardly affectionate is not the norm nor acceptable.  But the evidence of a mother's love goes beyond words, as account after account of the sacrifices a mother would make for her daughters show the extent of her love.  Lisa See's ability to bring the reader into the world of her characters only benefits, because I get to feel, rejoice, cheer, empathize, and agonize right alongside these women, who may as well be representatives of my grandmother, great-grandmother, and other ancestors.  Their powerful relationships make sense since they only have each other to lean on for comfort and empathy as they go through similar experiences. 

I can't help but think about my beloved grandparents, and what they had to go through.  I know that they escaped from China (just like in the book), though I don't know how and what they must have seen or experienced in their escape.  I know that my grandmother was a young bride, and my grandfather a handsome sailor.  Perhaps it was a blessing that he had the means to transport them via sea and headed south to the British colonized island of Singapore, where their new life began.  I picture them bringing my great-grandmother along, as well as all of my grand aunts and uncles.  What a crazy, and probably dangerous undertaking! 

If they had stayed in China, and let's just say I was born there, I wonder if I would've been given up or left on the side of the road because I was born a girl?  I wonder if my feet would be bound?  I wonder if I would be married to a strange man who was arranged for me, and whom I would only meet on my wedding day?  I wonder if I would've been sterilized after my first child?  I wonder if I would be able to read or go to school?  I wonder if I would be separated from my family and live to serve my in-laws?  I wonder if I would come to know Jesus?

For this and so much more, I am so thankful to my grandparents for their sacrifice of leaving their homeland in search for a better life elsewhere.  The desire for freedom is innate in every person, and it was their desire for life and liberty that provided a better future for their children and future generations, me included.  I adored my grandparents!  They took care of my sister and I when we were little while my parents worked.  While they maintained a lot of their Chinese decorum, I saw playful sides of them too.  I saw how my grandfather served my grandmother (he did all the cleaning, ironing, and laundry!  That's so counter-cultural in their culture!).  My grandmother was a fabulous cook!  I treasure my many memories of her, especially when she brushed my hair, fanned me while I took my naps, protected me from my hot-tempered parents, loved me beyond measure.  I adored my grandfather, and remember him being so silly as he made my sister and I laugh.  He always sang songs and was incredibly goofy.  I remember him picking me up from school and we'd walk home hand-in-hand, and he'd let me play in the park and bought me ice-cream sandwiches almost every day.  My grandfather is the coolest because he took me to see "Grease" seven times in the movie theaters!!  Yes, 7.  And he didn't even speak English! 

Truly, the best part of me, I attribute it to them.  And I miss them dearly.  Though they are no longer alive, I hope that they are proud of me.  I think about them a lot, often when I'm the loneliest, and sometimes wish I could go back in time and be able to go over to their house because it was my safe haven.  I grieve over the fact that my children will never know them.  But as I start sharing my story and my childhood with Joshua, Jenna, and Becca, I pray that my children will see a glimpse of who my grandparents were and how much I loved them.  And no matter what, we are family, and a piece of my grandparents will always be with us.

I didn't intend to make this blog post about my grandparents, but I find it a fitting tribute to them as I review the book I've been reading.  In conclusion, Shanghai Girls is a story about 2 sisters who escape China during the time of the Japanese invasion.  It is about their struggle to adapt to life in America, while trying to remain true to who they are.  They bring with them emotional baggage and secrets from their homeland.  As readers, we cheer them on in their attempt to create a new life in the States, knowing the hell that they went through in China.  But their story doesn't end in this book.  Along comes the next generation as their daughter Joy tries to find her identity as a Chinese American. 

And I can't wait to read the sequel "Dreams of Joy"!

The List...#4

#4.  Take a ballroom dance lesson

Yes, I am a closet dancer wannabe.  I confess...I love watching So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing with the Stars.  Even my children know this about me.  When Joshua catches me watching something on t.v., he always asks, "Mom, are you watching your dancing show again?". 

So, I thought it appropriate that learning how to dance would be on my 40 List!  I believe that God thought so too!  Because interestingly enough, I met a new couple that started attending our church a few months ago.  As I was talking to the wife, she shared with me that she's a dance instructor.  My ears perked up and she had my full attention!  I immediately bombarded her with questions, until she gave me her card (either to shut me up or to entice me to lessons...I'm thinking both!).  But I believe this was a divine appointment!

Bringing this subject matter of dance lessons to Jared was no easy feat.  While I pride myself with having somewhat decent rhythm, my husband does not.  He enjoys grooving to his own beat and style, which never fails to provide me with amusement and entertainment.  But the thought of actually learning ballroom dancing, he felt fear and trepidation.  But I had to remind him that "it takes two to tango" (like my dancing analogy?!), and I wasn't prepared to dance with anyone else.  I'm not proud of this, but I did stoop pretty low and...um...begged...and pleaded.  It's on my list!  He can't refuse me, right?

And being the good sport that he is, he didn't.

So last Monday night, we went to the Fred Astaire Dance Studio in South Barrington for our first (and probably only) lesson.  We met our friend and dance instructor, Amy, and she spent the next hour showing us the basics of the rumba, foxtrot, waltz, and (I can't remember the exact name...it reminded me of swing).  Undoubtedly, I had a blast!  You'll have to ask Jared yourself what he really thought.  (Here's a quick shout out to Fred Astaire Dance Studio.  Ask for Amy Ross.  She's awesome!)

I don't think I'll ever be a professional dancer.  But I love to dance.  I don't pretend to dance well, but I do love to move to music.  I love the emotions that music evokes.  I love reminiscing of my younger days when I used to see my mother and uncle dance (they won a few dance competitions back in the day).  And today, I love seeing my girls dance and twirl to music, enjoying the moment of pure abandon as they move and sway.  In those moments, I move and sway along with them as I worship and praise my God for the gift of my girls, and for the gift of dance!

Jared and me before we left for our dance lesson.

 

Shall we dance?

 

Becca loves to dance!

Below is a short video of her and Jared dancing. 

She loves to grab his hand, and wants him to dance with her all the time! 

I think this is going to be "wedding day worthy" material!

 

(oops...there were issues with uploading)

 

 

 

In need of grace

I'm having one of those days.  You know, the ones when all you want to do is crawl under your blanket and sleep.  The ones when you want to eat all the Tim Tams or any other form of cookies or delectable delights until you're overly stuffed.  The ones when you wish you could stay in bed all day and just watch reruns of Downton Abbey Seasons 1, 2 and 3!

I checked.  It's not the time of the month. 

Maybe it's just February.  And thankfully, this is the last day of the month!  It's cold and gloomy outside.  Oh, and did I mention that I'm averaging only a few hours of sleep a night?  And I've been battling this sinus congestion thing for a couple of weeks now. 

Becca was sick last week, and poor baby was so congested that sleeping was difficult for her.  Hence, she was waking up multiple times at night.  She then started getting up at 4:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep.  Now that she's better, you'd think she'd go back to her usual sleep routine.  Oh no!  Her new wake time is now between 4:30 and 5am.  And let me just tell you...I am NOT a morning person. 

And being 18 months, there's so much of the world to explore - cupboards to open, stairs to climb, contents in jars to dump out, milk to spill, dirt to eat, Legos to flush (yes, down the toilet!), walls to paint (with dirty fingers or whatever writing utensil is laying around).  Yes, all very cute.  But, in this moment, counting to 10 (or even 100) is not working much for me. 

My head and throat hurt, my eyes are burning from lack of sleep.  At the same time, I'm trying to help my first grader with his Chinese homework and I can't...it literally is becoming foreign to me (some days I regret my decision to send him to the Immersion Program!).  And, I'm trying to play Doc McStuffin with my preschooler and am not succeeding because I'm not "playing it right" (how do you play wrong?!).  All this time, I have to keep an eye on the said toddler explorer, and make sure she doesn't throw any more of my personal effects in the trash (I found some of my delicates in the garbage the other day!).  I'm just one hot mess!

I'm striving to whine less, complain less, look at the brighter, positive side of things.  But you couldn't tell from what I just wrote!  While I try to be a cup-half-full person, this "thing", this feeling of "blahness", tiredness, sickness, whatever it is, is kicking my butt!

This afternoon, while Becca napped, I was trying to lay down as well.  But Jenna wanted some  "cuddle time" with me (but who's kidding, I can't nap when I cuddle with Jenna.  She's a wiggly worm!).  At first, I said no because I wanted to nap.  Then this overwhelming sense of guilt enveloped me, and I thought I heard "you're a terrible mom for choosing napping over your daughter", "don't you want to spend quality time with her?  You keep telling others to cherish these moments, and you can't even do it, you hypocrite!", "she's growing up and you're going to regret not spending this time with her", and on and on these lies kept playing in my head.  Maybe it's the ibuprofen talking, but I am ashamed to admit - I did succumb and spent the next couple of hours with Jenna on my lap, while she poked and prodded me with her Doc McStuffin's doctor's equipment (darn you, Doc McStuffin!). 

While I'm sure the 2 hours meant the world to her, I know that at times, it is okay to say no.  I just need to keep those accusatory voices at bay.  And when I yelled at my kids today, and again, instantaneously was engulfed in guilt, I need to fight the lies of the "failed mom" that roams in my head.  Above all else, I need to find enough grace to give myself when I feel like an utter failure.  It's so much easier said than done. 

Hence in those moments of grasping for shreds of grace, that's when I appreciate my dear friend, Becky, who texted me today after I told her that I wanted to move far, far away, and she encouraged me with empathy and with words of "you are a rock star", even though I didn't feel like one!  I learned that in those times when I can't give myself grace, it's such a blessing to have others do it for me!

Okay, I'll stop my whining now...

Who else is looking forward to Spring?!

Letting Go

I asked for a Mom's Devotional Bible for Christmas, and got it, so I've been using it for my quiet time.  While I still receive online devotions on a daily basis through Today's Christian Woman and Family Life, there's just something about flipping through the physical pages of the bible and reading the Word (I guess that's why I haven't really explored getting a Kindle or any kind of eBook devices.  I just like holding a book and turning actual pages!). 

The daily devotions in the Mom's bible is concise, so it wouldn't require a lot of time.  There's a passage that you have to look up to read (again, I enjoy flipping the pages!), accompanied with additional scripture readings if you have extra time.  This is followed by a brief devotional or lesson.  Even though they are short, all the lessons pack a punch, and I love how it pertains to life as moms.  Hence, the very reason why I wanted to get this bible - it's applicable, relevant, inspirational, encouraging, and even in the margins of scripture, you'll see a little "heart" symbol next to a particular verse.  The heart signifies that this verse is a reference to mothers, grandmothers (and mother-in-laws, too!).  I appreciate how the devotional readings are in sequential order, meaning it's going through the bible starting with Genesis.  And I love how even stories in the Old Testament have life lessons for us today. 

Anyway, I didn't plan on being so descriptive about the Mom's Devotional Bible, but really wanted to share with you last Thursday's lesson on "Letting Go".

The passage for the day was from Exodus 2 - the birth of Moses and how his mother had to "let him go" down the river in the woven basket, in order to save his life.  I love the beginning sentences of the devotional:

"It's been said that a mother is not to lean on, but to make leaning unnecessary.  It's also been said that a mother's lap is the best place from which to launch life."

The devotion goes on to say that...

" Letting go is a heart-attitude that begins at birth.  It begins with recognizing that children are a gift from God.  They are merely loaned to the parents for upbringing and nurturing in the Lord.  The process requires a daily choice to relinquish a child to God's care, God's instruction, God's control."  (p.60, Mom's Devotional Bible, Zondervan)

As I read this devotional, my heart ached a little...okay, a lot!  Most of you know that I'm a pretty sentimental person.  I treasure little keepsakes from my children, tuck away meaningful letters or notes from friends, scrapbook significant moments, and enjoy creating memories with my family.  But these moments that are given to us are so fleeting.  And while I tell myself to enjoy them, which I do, I have to confess that there's a part of me that is anxious.  Anxious that time is moving too fast, anxious that my kids are growing up and I'm not "there" to capture the moments, anxious that I would miss out on things, anxious that I'm not doing enough for them as a mom in this growing stage of life, anxious that I'm going to mess them up and already have, anxious that they will forget these fleeting moments.  I know these are silly thoughts, but they are real thoughts that creep into my mind, and cause my heart to tremble sometimes.

Then reading this devotion of letting go, if I'm honest with myself, this will be one of the hardest things that I will have to do.  I don't see myself as someone physically hovering over my kids.  You can ask any of my mommy-friends when we go to play areas, half the time I don't even know where my kids are!  (okay, don't report me to DCFS please!)  The challenge will come, and has already occurred, when I have to let go emotionally and sometimes physically too.  If you've read my previous posts about the first day of school, you'll see why I have such a hard time.

I can't explain it, but I'm sure I'm not the only one, right?  It's a heart language between mothers (and fathers, or any parental figures) that can't be articulated.  Or at least, I can't.  Yes, it could be that I'm sentimental and want to hold on to the precious moments and stages of life.  Maybe if humans could develop at the same rate as turtles, then childhood wouldn't fly by so fast! (BTW, the American Box turtle lives a minimum of 100 years)

Or maybe it's because I enjoy being a nurturer, teacher, and am not ready to finish this "job". 

Or maybe it's a control issue...

Because relinquishing the last donut in the box, is a lot easier than relinquishing your children.  I'm still amazed and somewhat baffled that the God of the universe would bestow such an important responsibility as parenting to us, to me.  I've heard from so many people, personally and in the media, that they wished that children would come with an instruction manual.  But they don't.  And yet, God still chooses us to care for His beloved babies.  He has called me to be mom to Joshua, Jenna, and Becca.  And He has called you to be mom to your precious little ones too.  And with this calling comes great responsibility, even though this is the hardest job I've ever had to do, it is the best one!  And it is a priviledge.  For a few more decades, I'll get the opportunity to teach, nurture, love, and point my children to the one true God who really is the one who gave them to me in the first place.  I get to influence their decisions, encourage their growth, mold their minds, assist in the navigation of their paths, teach them life lessons, point them to true beauty, show them the real meaning of love, and attempt to shield them from harm. 

After all these investments, the thought of letting go is hard.  But it is something that needs to be done...sooner or later.  I'm given this one life with my children, and I want to make it count.  I want to be a responsible steward of the little ones whom God has entrusted to me.  It is my responsibility to raise them, and when the time comes, to let them go.  And in letting them go, I give them back to God and then need to trust that God will take care of them.  Someone said "Let go, and let God."  True, but it's probably easier said than done.  I know that I don't have to cross this bridge for a while, but I feel like every day is a practice day for when it actually happens.  Saying goodbye to Joshua in the mornings as he goes to school takes on new meaning, especially after the Newtown incident.  Nevertheless, I need to trust that he is in God's care...come what may.

I find it comforting to know that Moses' mother's act of letting go came full circle, because she was reunited with him when the Pharoah's daughter entrusted her to be Moses' nurse-maid.  Similarly, I know that it will come full circle for me too.  For I know that there will always be a piece of me with my children wherever they go in life.  Letting go is temporary.  But because of our mutual love for Christ, I know there is eternity waiting for us! 

 

I love my babies!  And love it when they want to read together, especially in their pajamas!

 

The List...#3

#3.  Celebrate my birthday with a girls' weekend!

Okay, I know these first 3 things on my list are about my birthday.  But I really wanted to ring in my new decade with the people I love the most.  And every girl needs her posse of girlfriends.  I don't know where I'd be without mine!

So a year ago, I had a conversation with my good friend, Jolinda, about going to Cabo for my 40th birthday.  She was all on-board!  And I even have a friend who has a condo in Cabo, and she was willing to let me use it.  Unfortunately, as the time got closer, it didn't work out that we could go.  Boo!  Maybe another year...

Since I couldn't go to Mexico and enjoy the warm weather there, God blessed me with a gorgeous weekend in Chicago!  On Friday, January 11th, we checked into the Palmer House in downtown Chicago.  But first, we visited my friend, Amy, who just recently moved to the city.  Her apartment was AH-MAZING!  She was so kind to let us park our car in her parking garage, and this saved us a lot of money! 

After our tour of her beautiful apartment and apartment building, she graciously drove us to the Palmer House.  We were able to get an early check-in - another praise!  Our bedroom was divine, and definitely girly - yay!  We had our spa appointments later that afternoon, so we had time to go get some lunch.  Thanks to Amy's suggestion, we walked to Pizano's, which is a pizza place owned by the Malnati Family (as in Lou Malnati...yum!).  Can I just say that it was so nice to be able to order my own favorite kind of pizza!?  Rather than the usual just cheese, or wanting to order something different only to be met with whining and pouting!

The Palmer House

 

Our room!
 

My bed 

 

The elevator waiting area on our floor

 

Pizano's Pizza

 

After lunch, we walked back to the hotel and got ready for our afternoon of pampering at the spa!  If you read my previous blog post, you know that I already had an amazing spa day the Friday before in Lake Geneva.  So, I'm feeling extra special and super excited that I get to do it again!  I had a 50-minute massage, which almost put me to sleep, followed by a spa pedicure.  I know, who gets a pedicure in the winter time, right?  But I love it!  The last time I had a pedicure was when Becca was born, and it was at the hospital (here's my shout out to Good Shepherd...the most awesome place to have a baby...and yes, they give you a mani/pedi after you deliver, AND a prime rib dinner!).  After the pedicure, we were ushered in to the "relaxation room".  It was a room with comfy couches, tea/coffee station, magazines to read, a place to just hang out until your nails are done or when you're done relaxing...whichever comes first!

Jolinda and I getting our pedicures!

 

View from where I was sitting

 

My cute, painted toes!

 

We had a couple of hours after our spa before we had dinner.  We made reservations at Flat Top Grill.  I've never been there before, and it's kind of like Stir Crazy.  Again, we walked there (yeah, we're cheap...we didn't want to have to drive anywhere and have to pay for parking!).  We had a great time eating and talking.  Remember how I mentioned that God's gift to me was a great weekend in Chicago?  Keep in mind we're talking January.  It's usually bitterly cold or snowing.  After dinner that night, we were able to go for a walk!  It was a ridiculously gorgeous night out!  We walked to Macy's to look at the windows, we walked along State Street and looked at the lights.  And what do girls love to do the most?  (well, at least my girls do)  We love to get coffee and sit and chat for hours.  You'd think we'd be able to find a Starbucks in downtown Chicago, cos there's literally one at every corner.  But they weird thing is, all the Starbucks' were closed! 

Me and my BFFs, Jen & Jolinda, walking around State Street

 

Coffee in the lobby

(I have another picture that I wanted to post.  Both Jen and Jolinda were my bridesmaids, and I wanted to include a picture of the 3 of us 10 years ago at my wedding.  But, I can't find my wedding pictures!!)

So we headed back to the hotel and had our $6 coffee in the lobby.  I think we paid for the ambiance, which was great!  We ended our day in typical girl fashion - we watched a chick flick in bed...uh, just to clarify, we were in separate beds!

We slept in Saturday morning - hooray!  That's 2 Saturdays in a row!  We took a leisurely walk along Michigan Avenue, and were trying to find Hannah Bretzel's, a place that we'd been to when we went on the Chicago Chocolate Tour a couple of years ago.  But we couldn't find it, and ended up at The Water Tower Place.  We had our brunch there, and walked around for a little bit.

I love Chicago!

Near the Tribune Building

I wanted to go to the Disney Store, just for fun.  So, on our way back, that's what we did.  Didn't buy anything - I just like to pretend that I'm back at Disney!  Then, we walked back to the hotel and got ready for the next exciting event of the weekend - Afternoon Tea!!

My good friends, Ruth and Amy, joined us for tea (I was so bummed that my friend, Leslie, couldn't join us!).  Our server took us to the second floor and our table was right by the balcony, and we could look down into the lobby area.  It was pretty neat!  Again, the ambiance was great, and the food was delectable!  We were also able to witness two separate weddings that were taking place.  It was beautiful - one of the weddings was like out of the movies.  Gorgeous outfits, amazing traditions with lots of fanfare.

Amy, Jolinda, Ruth, and me

Our yummy Afternoon treats



The lobby of the Palmer House

The entrance to the ballroom

 

This was one of the weddings we saw...it was a Jewish man marrying an Indian woman.  Lovely procession and traditions!

We spent 2 hours talking and having "tea".  I have to say that this whole weekend, I just felt so blessed to be surrounded by women who know me, have been with me through the different stages of my life, and have been my constant encouragement and support through the years.  These women have known me even before I was married, before kids, and before the unfolding of God's plan in my life over the last 10 years or so.  Good and bad, they've stuck by me, prayed with me, cried with me, and lifted me with words of love, affirmation, and prayer.  They see me - the me without the façade; the me without any labels.  And as true friends always do...they love me, warts and all.

MY GIRLS!

To these amazing women, I'm eternally grateful for the role you've played in my life.  You are blessings from God, and you're my sisters, both this side of heaven and the next.  I love you all!

"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)