The Time Has Come...

(Sorry about the weird highlighted text.  I was cutting and pasting it from my journal entry.)      September 17, 2014

Today is the first day that all 3 kids are at school and I’m marking this epic occasion by sitting at Starbucks with my venti decaf mocha non-fat, no whip.  God has also blessed this September morning with gorgeous weather, and I’m sitting alfresco at The Streets of Woodfield (or as the hip teenagers call it,“The Streets”!)
 

I have to confess that when I dropped Becca off at Conant a few minutes ago, I didn’t want to let her go.  Granted, this is technically her second week of preschool, but last week didn’t count because I was with her in the classroom.  This week will be her first full week, without me there.  She’s been having a difficult time transitioning into new situations, which is rare for Becca.  Anyone who knows her knows that she’s probably the most social of our 3 kids.  But even last week, I had a friend take her to gymnastics, and she refused to go in without me.  So, she sat out for about 20 minutes until I got there.

I feared today would be the same.  But my brave, little girl gave me a big hug and looked me in the eye.  Her eyes told me “Mommy, I’m going to be brave.  I’m going to be okay.”.  And those of you who know Becca, her big brown eyes can speak a million words, and pierce the very soul!  I embraced her for a long time, and then I released her to her high school helper.  Her hands left mine, and reached for the hand of another.  At that transaction, my heart knew that this was just the beginning of me letting her go, that I can no longer control or watch over her, or even guarantee her safety.  But the truth of the matter is, God is with her and He will go with her to all the places that I can’t.  He will be her guardian, her playmate, her confidante, her protector, her boo-boo-kisser.  And in that, I find comfort.

So it is with all my kids.  I thought I would take to new milestones easily, because I’ve had to go through so many with Joshua.  But it doesn’t get any easier.  In fact, as the last one completes each milestone, there is a sense of finality because there will be no more.  No more changing diapers, no more midnight wake-up calls, no more high chairs, no more riding in strollers (unless you’re 8, and whining at Disney World that you’re tired of walking!), no more bottles to prepare, no more pureed or chopped up food, no more onesies, no more bassinettes and cribs.  No more shopping in the baby section, but instead, having to walk across the aisle at Target to shop at the big kids section.

 

 

While each season comes with both blessings and trials, I’m learning to embrace and enjoy each season.  To grieve that which has come and gone, but also to celebrate all the moments in the present.  Maybe that’s why Jared and I are such looneys when it comes to celebrating even the smallest of moments, like when the kids went pee-pee in the potty for the first time, or when Jenna tries a new food (that’s a big cause for celebration!), or when Joshua scores goals in soccer.  Celebrating the moment is and always will be part of our family’s DNA, and for that, I’m very grateful.

If I spend too much time grieving, then I’ll miss out on the blessings of the new season.  And there is so much to look forward too!!  In this season, with Joshua being 8, Jenna 5, and Becca 3, we have so much fun together!  It’s easier to travel (especially on an overseas trip!).  I love our conversations, the silly questions, their innocence, their wanting to help and please mom and dad, but also wanting to flex some independent muscles as well.  I love seeing their learning grow exponentially, from reading to riding bikes to asking a million questions about tornados and fireflies, and Jenna wanting to learn how to bake and cook, even though she won’t try a lick of anything!  I love seeing how Becca tries to emulate her older siblings, and use phrases like “Everything is awesome if you’re part of team!”.  I love how our kids enjoy art and creating, but at the same time, enjoy a wrestling match and climbing trees.  

I love seeing glimpses of Joshua’s quiet confidence, leadership, and work ethics. I pray that God will use Jared and I to hone and nurture these traits, so that Josh may grow up to be a man of strength and integrity.  I love seeing Jenna’s focused abilities (especially with puzzles!), and her graceful movements, and her love for the arts.  I remember my sister-in-law, Rachel, saying that she can picture Jenna dancing in front of the throne of God.  Oh what a vision!  That is my heart’s prayer for her, that she would dance with abandon and worship her one true King!  I love seeing my baby Becca’s feistiness, her determination, no-holds-barred attitude to accomplish the things that are important to her, and to make her voice known.  I pray that she will be a mighty warrior for God’s Kingdom, fighting for those who cannot speak, fighting the injustice that plagues our fallen world, and to fight the good fight for His glory.

 

As I look at each of my children, and how God has gifted and blessed them, I pray that in each season of their lives, from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, that God would open my eyes to SEE them.  To see how I can nurture their gifts and talents, to show them that they can live an abundant life for His glory.
 

And at the end of the day, may they know how much I truly, deeply love them.  That my love for them will transcend time and seasons.  In my heart, they will always be my little Joshua, Jenna, and Becca...the little ones who goof around, wrestle, scream and yell, but also passionately embrace and smother me with kisses.  They fill my heart with the core of who they are, and I carry this fullness with me from season to season.  My cup indeed will continue to overflow.
 

Courage

(I wrote this last week...yeah, my posts are sitting as drafts for way too long...sorry!)

As I'm writing this, my soul is unsettled, and I am anxious.  I didn't think the day would come when my 7-year-old has to go to school and sit through a sex abuse education program.  We were given notice less than a week ago that this would be happening.  It seems too soon, and my mind has been in a whirlwind.  While it's not sex ed, it's still a discussion about the difference between a good touch and a bad touch.  I guess the unnerving thing is that the children will be introduced to the fact that sex abuse can happen, and at the potential hands of the closest people they know.

As adults, we know this to be true.  But to be honest, I am not prepared for my 7-year-old to come to grips with that reality just yet.  I know I can't protect him forever, but I feel a compelling need to protect his innocence perhaps for a little while longer.  And I fear that tomorrow marks the day when his little innocent bubble may be pierced a little.  And then it will all begin.

I know I sound dramatic.  But listen to the rest of the story, and you'll know why.

We're very blessed to have an understanding principal, and he has been really great in communicating with parents and being receptive to listening to our concerns and respecting our decisions.  I had requested for a meeting with him to look at the curriculum that will be presented to the children in Joshua's class.  While nothing major stood out, I was still unsettled about the different scenarios that will be presented as an "assessment" of whether the action is appropriate or not, and what will constitute a good secret or bad secret.  Also, I do not know who the school psychologist is who will be presenting the program.  I do not know what the question-and-answer time will be like and what kind of answers will be given to the children. 

With these unknowns, Jared and I felt that we should request that Joshua not participate in the program.  Yes, this is an option!  We've talked to Joshua pretty much about everything that will be covered in the program.  We want the truths to come from us.  And this is something that I've learned in my Tim Kimmel's Grace-Based Parenting studies - that we need to establish truth (about sex/sexuality) before the world distorts it. 

During the course of the last few days, and in conversations with other parents from Joshua's class and school, it became clear that Joshua is probably the only student that will not be participating in the program from his class.  He will be the only one that will leave the class, walk down to the office, and wait till the program is over before returning to class.

This is where the protective, emotional, mommy part of me is aching. 

It will take courage in Joshua to be the only one to walk out of his room.  It will take courage for him to know that somehow, he is different.  It will take courage to stand up and walk away from his peers.  And it will take courage for him to know that what he is doing is the right thing (not that his classmates aren't right.  But they've chosen something different.)

It will take courage for me to let him go to school tomorrow.  It will take courage for me to relinquish control over the outcome.  It will take courage for me to allow the innocence of my baby boy to be perhaps pierced a little.  It will take everything in me to not run to rescue him and keep him in my protective care.

Courage. 

Interestingly...or perhaps, God-intended...I've been reading a lot about courage these days.  I just finished a chapter on courage in the second Grace-Based Parenting book called "Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right".  While the chapter is about instilling courage in our children, I feel that the lessons hold true for me too. 

Courage.

It is the prayer I pray for my children every single night.  The prayer of Joshua from the bible...to be "strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  And I find myself praying that pray for me these past few days.

Courage.

As I witnessed the marathon runners last Sunday when I was in Chicago cheering Jared on, I was inspired by their courage, their endurance, their perseverance.  For some, this was a courageous goal...to attain something that they thought they never could.  The courage to continue running even when they were hurting, especially when they hit "the wall".  I watched the wheelchair marathoners in awe.  I was moved to tears by the blind man who had 2 friends hold him by his arms on both sides and they were running alongside with him.  I was filled with admiration for the man with spina bifida who ran the marathon...and completed it in 16 hours!

Jared completed the marathon in 4 hours!

The wheelchair marathoners!

The courage of these people is inspiring.  And perhaps God had me witness these people's courageous acts to encourage me in my own struggle for courage. 

I need to have the courage to let go.  I need to have the courage to let Joshua and the girls grow, KNOWING full well that God is with them wherever they go. 

One of the lessons that Tim Kimmel mentioned is teaching our kids how to stand up for something that may cause them to be set apart from everyone else.  This will be true tomorrow.  Not only for Joshua, but for us as a family as well.  God has called us to be set apart anyway.  But for Joshua's sake, I pray that there will be no repercussions of being teased or made fun of.  But if that happens, I pray that he will have the strength and courage to meet it with his head held high, and be secure in the knowledge that what he's doing is right despite what others may say.

"Courage, Merry.  Courage for our friends."  This is when Eowyn assures Merry before the final battle in the third installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Courage.  Courage for our family, and our friends.  Even when it seems like I'm standing alone, I know that God is with me.  And if God is with me, who can be against me?

So aching heart, take courage!

The List...#13

#13.  Run a Half Marathon

(FYI...this is a little long!)

Running the Half has been a personal quest this year.  I don't pretend to be a runner, because I'm not one.  I don't pretend to enjoy it, because I don't.  So, why run the Chicago Half Marathon?  I guess it's one of those challenges that I gave to myself.  Something that would require me to step out of my comfort zone.  Something that would require me to harness all my inner strength and discipline (especially having to get out of bed early!).  Something that is bigger than me, and would throw me into a state of total trust and reliance on God for His strength.

Growing up, I was on the track team and ran sprints, typically the 100m, 200m, the 4x100 relay.  As I got older, I started running 5Ks.  Initially, I ran 5Ks because it was for a worthy cause (I only participate in ones that are fundraisers for a non-profit).  I told myself that 5Ks would be the longest race I'd ever run.  I don't have the endurance nor the stamina to run anything longer (or rather, I don't have the endurance or patience to want to train for anything longer!).  I also thought the long runs would be boring.

Anyway, I challenged myself this year to doing something significant, to check something off my bucket-list, and to make my 40th year stand out a little bit more in my story.  And if that something significant could somehow benefit others, then I should do it.  Last year, I had the honor and privilege to travel to Bolivia with 5 other members of my church (one of them being Jared!).  We spent time at a local church in El Alto called Bethesda, and participated in the children's program.  And, oh the children!  They captured my heart!  You can read all about my experience in Bolivia here.

We found out earlier this year that the children's program is in jeopardy because of lack of funding.  Their previous sponsors had decided to pull out.  So our church is stepping in, and has committed to help them by raising funds to keep the children's program going.  We committed to raising $5000 by November 1st.  Without the children's program at Bethesda, I can't even begin to articulate the dire consequences.  These children will be back on the streets, roaming around the most dangerous city in South America, and who will fight for them and their future? 

It's because of the gravity and sense of urgency of this situation that I decided not only to run the half marathon, but to also use my run to raise money to help keep the children's program going.  I don't know how much I will raise, or even come close to putting a dent in their financial needs.  But I know that I can't sit on the sidelines and not do anything about it!  So, I made a decision to sign up for the Half and began my training in June.  (I would be honored if you'd like to partner with me, and if you are considering a financial gift, please go here to donate.)

It hasn't been an easy few months of training.  There were many days that I wanted to quit.  But as I saw the financial support of people coming in, I knew that there was no turning back.  Darn it, I had accountability now!  I remember mornings when I would lay in bed and try to come up with excuses as to why I can't train.  Then the faces of the children of Bethesda would come to mind.  I just had to get my butt out of bed and do this for them.

At every run, I always start off by praying for these kids.  It helps me to keep focused on why I'm doing this.  I know most people run with music on.  But this is something that hadn't worked for me.  Maybe on the short runs, I can handle listening to music.  But those long runs...the ones that I thought were going to be so boring...I had to figure out how to get through them without going crazy.  So lately, I've been listening to messages online pretty much every day while my girls have nap time and down time in the afternoons.  I decided to download some messages on iTunes and listen to it while I ran.  And holy iTunes Batman, I loved it!  It made me feel like the run was shorter, and I was able to listen to messages that filled me, encouraged me, grew me.  Not to sound weird, but I didn't feel like I was running alone.  It was almost as if God was running right alongside with me, encouraging me, teaching me truths, and giving me the strength to keep going on.  Granted, it's really hard to run when you're all choked up by the message and trying not to cry.  It messes with your breathing!  But honestly, I wasn't really paying attention to where I was running because I was so focused on listening to the message (I would drive by my running route and would notice things that I didn't notice when I was running!). 

All this said, I am glad that I chose to run the Half.  Again, God in His infinite wisdom knew that while I chose to run to raise funds for the children's program in Bolivia, God chose to bless me at the same time during my training as I listened to His word being preached.   I know that I've grown closer to Him, and have a hunger for His word in a way that I haven't had in a very long time.  And all this is because of running.

Running has become Jared's passion, and I can see why.  His desire is to be able to grow spiritually through his running, and to run for God's glory.  While I may not run another half marathon (and I'm not intending to run the Full!), I can attribute running to helping me grow closer to God.  I won't admit to this when I'm up at 5:30am, but when I'm out there in the crisp cool morning, and it's just me and God, and I'm listening to His truths, something holy takes place.  It's as if I'm in a shroud of holiness and every stride I take is just a humming of my heart enjoying the presence of my Jesus.  And at the end of my training run, I feel full, alive, and anticipate my next run when I can listen to Him again.  I don't think it's the runner's high that people talk about, because I still dread the long runs.  But it is a spiritual high that is driving me.

I didn't intend for this to be so long, but I hope you can celebrate along with me because I completed the Half Marathon today! 

Here's my account of the day:
The atmosphere was amazing.  The energy was palpitating.  I couldn't believe how many people were there!  Even though I didn't get to see my family or friends before the race, I knew that they would be cheering me on at Mile 2, 5, 12, and 13.  So, I had those mile markers to look forward to.  The beginning of the race was a little chaotic.  I felt like we were a pack of sardines being squished and had to move together like lemmings.  It was difficult to find any personal space...as you can tell, I'm a novice runner.  However, it was so fun to see Jared and the kids and my in laws at Mile 2, with their big signs!

Once I hit Lake Shore Drive and was running north, my wonderful friends, Amy and Ruth, were there to cheer me on too!  Soon after that, I was really having a hard time maintaining my pace.  The winds were pretty strong, and was going against us.  And I wasn't used to the madness at every water station (no wonder people carry their own water).  When I hit Mile 10, my knees and ankles started to hurt.  I thought, oh no, how am I going to run 3 more miles with this pain?  Being the strong-willed person that I am, I did NOT want to start walking.  If anything, a medic would have to lay me on a stretcher to get me to stop running.  It was the last 3 miles that really challenged me and tested me.  My feet and legs were screaming in pain, and every part of my body wanted to stop running.  But then, I kept thinking about all the words of encouragement that people had given to me or wrote on my Facebook wall.  I had commented on Facebook that "(their) words will fuel me".  And indeed they did.  And when I saw Amy and Ruth again at Mile 12, Ruth held a sign she had made for me.  It said "When your feet hurt, run with your heart."  It was exactly what I needed to hear!  So, I picked up my pace during Mile 13 and literally sprinted the last 0.1 mile to the finishing line.  I wanted to finish under 2 hours and 30 minutes.  I did 2:20.  Praise God!

My beautiful friends, Ruth and Amy!

I learned so many lessons about perseverance today.  But the big take-aways are the importance of encouragement, of finding people who believe in you, who will stand by you, and will cheer you on even when you want to give up.  Even though I may never do another half marathon again, I've experienced tangible analogies of the importance of community, of being a cheerleader, of the power of belief...even if just one person believed in you, and the power of words.

I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband who never stopped believing in me, and "trained" me these past few months.  I'm so blessed with awesome friends who took time out of their day to cheer me on even if it meant only seeing me for a few seconds.  And I'm eternally grateful to the many friends and family who have blessed me with their words of encouragement.  Thank you all for helping me get through this and for helping me fulfill a crazy whim to complete a half marathon!

The List...#10, #11, #12

#10. Get a new bike

The last time I owned a bike was when I was at ISU.  I lived off-campus and thought it would be a great way to get around if I had a bike.  I had a small car too, but it just seemed silly to drive 2 minutes to campus and take 10 minutes to find a parking spot.

Anyway, I've always loved biking.  Joshua loves the story of how I learned to ride a bike.  I remember my dad taking me to the top of a small hill, and he, literally, pushed me down it.  Yep!  That's how I learned to ride.  I fell a lot, got lots of cuts and bruises, but hey, I learned how to ride my big girl bike!

Growing up, one of my favorite places to ride my bike was along the beach.   There was a bike path that hugged the coast, and it would go on for miles and miles.  I loved going fast...I loved feeling the wind on my face...I think I just loved the freedom and the escape from the mundaneness of life (I was pretty philosophical back when I was 7...haha!).  As an adult, it would be a dream come true to ride a bike through the English or Italian country sides.  The rolling hills and endless beauty are so appealing.  Biking, like running, can be very therapeutic.  As least for me, anyway.

So, having been bike-less for almost 14 years (I was in a hit-and-run accident at ISU which totally crumpled up my bike!  That's another story for another day...), I really wanted to get one this year.  I mean, the kids have their own bikes, a friend gave Jared a bike.  I was the only one without one.  So, I went to my favorite outdoor store, REI, and did some research and tested out some bikes (with short stubby legs, I was resigned to the kiddie bikes.  But there are custom bikes out there for women with shorter legs).  So, this Spring, I was beside myself to bring home a brand new Navaro Fiona!  We've just had a ton of fun biking together as a family this summer!  I'd love to take my family on the Prairie Path this Fall for more biking fun!

My new bike!

 

We typically ride our bikes after dinner time

 

#11. Do something I've never done before...go on a cruise!

Jared and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this year.  We wanted to go somewhere memorable, do something that we've never done before.  We both have never been on a cruise.  So, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to do just that.  It seemed a romantic way to celebrate our anniversary!  So, we decided to go on a 6-day cruise to the Bahamas!

At Jacksonville airport, waiting for the bus to take us to the pier.

 

Our Carnival cruise-liner.  Holy cow, it's huge!

 

Walking around and checking out the ship.  I believe this is on the upper deck.

The inside of the ship...it's like a mini city!

Looking down from the upper deck into the "main" lobby area.

 

I was a little nervous at first, because I'm very prone to motion sickness.  The first day was rough.  I thought sitting outside on the balcony with some fresh air would make my stomach stop doing flip-flops.  But it was worse.  I just needed to go inside and lie down.  Day 2 and beyond, things got a lot better.  At times, I could feel the rocking of the ship, but it wasn't bad.  It was actually quite soothing as we took naps or went to bed. 

I was pleasantly surprised by our room.  I think it helps being small, because to everyone else, it may seem a little cramped.  But the fact that we had a king-sized bed in there, it was roomy enough for me!  We were able to order room service 24/7, and really, the food was great!  I think the sushi bar and the round-the-clock availability of ice-cream made the trip worth while! 

Our room with a king-sized bed!  And our window with a view!

 

Apart from the food, we loved the on-board entertainment.  The nightly staged shows were of professional quality, and we enjoyed the comedians (when their jokes were clean) and particularly enjoyed the trivia quizzes (we're such competitive people!). 

Me and my handsome husband during formal night before dinner.

The downside of the cruise was that there were a lot of teenagers.  The drinking age in the Bahamas is 18.  Need I say more?  Fortunately, Jared and I were able to find a pleasant spot on the upper decks to sit out in the sun, read, tan, sip cocktails, and enjoy some peace and tranquility!

My view on most days as I laid out in the sun!

 

Our first stop was to the private island of Half Moon Cay.  We had to take a ferry from the ship to the island (you can see the ferry on the right).  I love the crystal blue waters!

We really enjoyed our first cruise.  However, I think we'd take the all-inclusive resorts over the cruise any day!  It was a good experience though!

Having some cocktails at the Piano Bar on the last night of our cruise.

#12. Do something exotic...swim with the dolphins!

Again, on our cruise, I was able to check this next thing on my list off!  Everyone has a different definition of the word "exotic".  I guess I equate it to something that is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, or something that I wouldn't get to do very often.  Living in Australia, I did get to swim with the dolphins, but I never got close enough to touching them, let alone hugging one or dancing with one!  So, it was a no-brainer when an excursion on the cruise presented itself to us.  We signed up for our "Dolphin Encounter" in Nassau!  And by far, it was both Jared and my favorite thing about our cruise.  (and just an fyi...dolphins are my favorite animal/mammal!)

 

So happy!!

The List...#7, #8, #9

I know it's been a while since I last blogged about my 40 things to do list.  Just having too much fun this summer!  Well, now that summer is officially over since Joshua is back at school, I figured I need to pick up where I left off.  I've been checking off a few things on my "40 List".  Here are just a few...

#7.  Take a Zumba Class

And I did!  And I loved it!

I utilized a Groupon gift card which I got for my birthday to purchase a 10-visit pass.  Today was my first class, and I was greeted by the warmest people at the Health First Wellness Center in Schaumburg.  My Zumba instructor, Terri, was ah-mazing!  She's probably my mother's age, but she had the energy of my four-year-old!  And she rocked it!  The class was so much fun, and I can't wait for my next one!

#8. Own a pair of Tom's shoes

I feel like I'm the last person around who owns a pair of Tom's shoes.  But a cute red wedge caught my eye in Nordstrom on my way to work on a winter's day.  I'm not a shoe person by any means, but for some reason, I fell in love with this pair of wedges.  So, in January, I started saving for these shoes.  In May, I became the proud owner of a pair of Tom's shoes! 

(My Tom's!  Do you like how the Ninjago guys in the background are adoring it too?
 

 

#9.  Find the best recipe for ribs

 

I know it's only June, and the year is only half-way through.  But I've tried 4 ribs recipes so far, and I've narrowed it down to my favorite.  But before I reveal the recipe, I wanted to address my insatiable appetite for ribs.  I've always been a "give me meat or steak" kind of girl.  I attribute that to my dad's influence!  He used to work in the shipping business, where he would deal with the import/export of food to big shipping companies, like ocean-liners, fleets, etc.  So, my dad knows food!  Hence, his food snobbery rubbed off on me!  He knew what and where to get the choicest steaks, the best wine, the sort-after seafood.  

 

I don't remember when it was when I tried ribs for the first time.  I've had home-made Chinese pork ribs, but maybe it wasn't till I moved to the States that I tried ribs bathed in BBQ sauce.  And I was in heaven!  I think the best ribs I had was when I was in Louisiana.  It was a small hole-in-the-wall restaurant.  I remember we had to climb up a narrow set of staircase and were ushered to a rickety table and chairs.  But the ribs made up for it all!  I haven't been the same since!  I love the South!  And I have yet to find ribs of the same caliber in the Chicagoland area.  Hence, my quest this year...to find the best recipe (or something close enough!) so that I make it myself!

 

I know I don't like the dry rub ones, nor the ones that have hardly any meat on it.  I've had decent ribs at Wildfire Restaurant, but roll my eyes at other franchises that say they have the best ribs in town (I don't think so Chili's, Applebee's, and even Portillo's!).   My criteria for good-eatin' ribs are that they have to be fall-off-the-bone, juicy, sweet & spicy, and just finger-lickin' good!  The ones that require a bib and a boxful of napkins.  Tie-your-hair-back, take-jewelry-off-your fingers, roll-up-your-sleeves, and be-ready-to-get-messy kind of ribs!

 

After scouring websites, cookbooks, and some recipes from friends, I think I found one that's pretty close to what I tasted in Louisiana.  Thanks to my friend, Sam, here's the recipe.  It's simple, but so delicious!

 

 

BBQ Ribs (oven or grill)

Boil (90 mins)

Bake @ 425 (20 mins each side) or

Grill each side with BBQ sauce

- baby back ribs, quartered slabs

- boil, then simmer in stock pot w/onions, minced garlic, generous amounts of salt & pepper, or Lawry's seasoning. Any savory or mesquite spices will do.

- after boiling until meat is fork tender or easily pulled away from bone, transfer to baking pan or large dish

- generously slather on BBQ sauce of choice, bake curl side up first (20 mins), then flip,

  slather more BBQ sauce, finish baking other side (20 mins) or browned & glazed to liking

 

I made the ribs accompanied with an Asian Ramen Salad.  This picture doesn't do it justice!

More on Letting Go

It's Sunday morning and as it turns out, both Jared and I are sick.  He went to Urgent Care and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia (I never understood that term...).  I haven't had the chance to go to the doctor yet, so we just have to make do with us two being sick and take turns being on kiddie duty.  Since I feel like a Mac truck just ran over me, I'm resting in bed this morning.  On the bright side, I'm able to catch up on some reading, some emails, and some blogging!  It's a rarity that I get an extended amount of down time!

The first week of school is well underway, and it seems like routine is slowly starting to take root again in our home.  Joshua started his Fall season of soccer, and I've accepted a subbing assignment for this coming week...God-willing, I'll be feeling better by then.

Josh with good friend, Jack, on the first day of soccer.

I was a couple of days behind on my Jesus Calling devotion, and was doing some catch-up this morning.  I wish I had read the August 23rd devotion on the 23rd!  It spoke volumes to me, and it would have coincided nicely with the prayer time I had with the other moms from school.  Here's what it said...

"Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care.  They are much safer with me than in your clinging hands.  If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one - and yourself...

 

...when you release loved ones to me, you are free to cling to my hand.  As you entrust others into my care, I am free to shower blessings on them.  My presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest.  This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me.  Watch to see what I will do."

As a mom, I am such a control-freak.  Okay, who am I kidding?  I'm a control freak in all areas of my life!  Learning to let go and surrender is very difficult. 

For so many years of my life, starting from around my mid-teens, I've had to take care of myself.  I didn't grow up in a "normal" family and my rites of passage were either way too early or excluded all together.  I've had to figure things out, figure life out mostly by myself, and by the grace of God, He's given me a conservative spirit which I believe was to my benefit during those formative years.  Don't get me wrong, I did have some fun along the way...but nothing that has caused me a lifetime of regret.  Just the typical retrospective "what were you thinking?", like the time when I was in Barcelona, and some fellow Aussies and I were challenged by other fellow Commonwealth friends (namely the South Africans and Brits!) into a drinking game.  Or when I got lost in Athens and decided it was a good idea to follow some stranger on a bus because he said he knew how to get to the US Embassy (yes, my dad still reminds me to this day that I could've been lying dead in a ditch somewhere!), or when I found myself in downtown LA at 2am waiting for a bus to take me back to the youth hostel, or trying to prove a point by hanging over the ledge of a precipice at the Grand Canyon.

But for the most part, I think I've done a pretty good job at taking care of myself, not really having to rely on anyone.  And then came marriage and kids.  As newly-weds, Jared and I both brought with us our own sets of ideas of how certain things should be done.  Things like finances, car maintenance, just to name a couple!  I remember how difficult it was for me to relinquish control over the finances because how it worked for me all these years SHOULD be the way we do it in our new marriage, right?  Even though every fiber in my being was screaming "My way is the right way!", I had to learn how to release that control.  I've always had my own checking account, and it's something that my dad had always ingrained in me.  Maybe it's an Asian thing, I don't know.  But the notion of having a joint account after I became Mrs. Ahrens bothered me.  To clarify, I'm okay with the joint account, but there was NO WAY I was getting rid of my own checking account!  Through the course of the first couple of years of marriage, I stayed true to my convictions.  But I realized that having an exclusive joint account was something very important to Jared.  So, I think on our 2nd or 3rd Christmas together as a married couple, I put my letter from the bank in a gift box, wrapped it up and gave it to Jared.  The letter was a confirmation of me terminating my own checking account.  I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was a huge step for me to relinquish my control over my finances to someone else, even if that someone else is my husband.

With the kids, I've always had this residual pride that since I was a teacher, that I knew kids.  And when I was pregnant, I read so many books on how to take care of babies, child-rearing, subscribed to Parenting magazines, etc.  I just wanted to be in the know.  It irked me when Jared came along and decided to do things with the kids his own way, and the prideful side of me would get mad and say "you haven't read a single thing about parenting, so what makes you think that what you're doing is right?!"  But I've made so many mistakes as a parent, and on most days, I wish I could be more like Jared!  He follows his heart, not a book.  He follows his God-given parental instincts, and not a list of have-to's. 

So, letting go has been a difficult process for me.  Not only with the kids, but with my life.  I need to surrender all aspects of my life to Him.  He is in control.  He is in the driver's seat.  I just need to trust and obey, and let God be God.  Jan Silvious, a Christian comedian, says "There's only one God, and you're not Him."  How true!  So as the kids get older, I know that I will be plunging head first into learning how to release them.  The devotion on the 23rd is just a reminder to me that God is with them.  It's not only letting them go, but also letting God work, letting Him bless them.  And letting His peace dwell in me and see what He will do in my own life.

"Under His wings you will find refuge."

First Day of School

Today is the first day of 2nd grade for Joshua.  How did 7 years fly by in what seemed like a blink of an eye?  I must admit, I get as nervous and anxious as Joshua does!  With the start of each year comes a blank slate.  What will this year hold?  What will he learn?  Who will his best friend at school be?  What will be his favorite subject (it thrilled me to no end that he said that his favorite thing to do in school is writing...and not recess!!  He even bought a journal!)?

With the start of each year also comes lots of prayers.  I pray especially for the teachers, his classmates, and for protection over the school.  Prayer is the only thing that keeps me sane while Joshua is away from me.  Prayer is an acknowledgment that God is greater, that God is in control, and that God is watching over my Joshua and is with him when I can't (He's the omnipresent babysitter!).  Last year, I invited a couple of moms from Joshua's class over to our home for some fellowship and to spend some time praying for our children.  I believe that there is a great battle going on over the hearts, souls, and minds of our children.  We need to be warrior moms who will go into battle for our kids.  God has equipped us with the gift of prayer as our weapon.  And nobody wants to mess with a group of moms who have donned their armor and are wielding their swords of faith, right?  So, I'm looking forward to our battle prayer time with the other moms from school.

 

¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." (Ephesians 6:13-18)

Joshua didn't want to get out of bed this morning, even though we started getting him up early last week so that he'd get used to it (he's such a teenager-wannabe!).  Eventually, he did after much coaxing and threats!  We finished breakfast, got dressed, and took the traditional first day of school pics.  As we walked to school, I wondered...will he still hold my hand??  And he did!  And that just made my day!  I remember telling Jared that this may be the last year that he'll hold my hand before he thinks it's uncool!

Anyway, I sent my first-born off to 2nd grade this morning, and I'll have a couple of weeks for my mommy heart to recover before sending Jenna off to preschool.  I thought that with each passing year, the first day of school will get easier.  Well, it isn't for me.  It's not just a rite of passage for the children, but for the parents too.

In honor of the first day of school, below is a blog post I wrote for Joshua when he started kindergarten!  It still brings a tear to my eye...

Enjoy!


The night before the first day of Kindergarten...

We picked out your clothes...you wanted to wear your new football t-shirt.

We packed your backpack, and placed it by the door...I'm so proud of you for not complaining about not having a new bag, and you are perfectly happy with the Toy Story backpack from last year.

We snuggled into your bed, and read a new book about the night before kindergarten...you were so excited about all the new things that you would learn this year!

And we prayed together...for a good night's sleep and thanked God for the many blessings in our lives, especially for Kindergarten and that it's finally here.

I kissed you good-night as I always do, and as I turned off your light, you said to me "Mommy, I'm growing up! I can't wait to go to Kindergarten tomorrow!"

"Yes, baby! You're going to Kindergarten! And I'm so proud of you!" But as I said those words, I fought back tears, and I felt something squeezing my heart. For I never thought this day would come. Okay, I know it's just Kindergarten...but time is zooming by like the speed of light, and I can barely catch my breath before the next milestone appears. So, on this night before yet another milestone, I want to capture the moment and store it in my heart forever. I feel like this is the first step of me letting go, as if my pinky finger is being pryed open...slowly, but surely, I have to let you go.

But as I let you go, I know that you are not going alone. I pray that you will know that God is with you...and my heart goes with you, too.

So, on the morning of the first day of school, this is what I saw...



But my heart saw this...





And when you sat in the car, I turned and saw this...



But really, this is what I saw...




And when I hugged you goodbye and wished a great first day for you, Daddy took this picture...



But these are the pictures that are etched in my heart...





I love you, Joshua!