As I'm writing this, my soul is unsettled, and I am anxious. I didn't think the day would come when my 7-year-old has to go to school and sit through a sex abuse education program. We were given notice less than a week ago that this would be happening. It seems too soon, and my mind has been in a whirlwind. While it's not sex ed, it's still a discussion about the difference between a good touch and a bad touch. I guess the unnerving thing is that the children will be introduced to the fact that sex abuse can happen, and at the potential hands of the closest people they know.
As adults, we know this to be true. But to be honest, I am not prepared for my 7-year-old to come to grips with that reality just yet. I know I can't protect him forever, but I feel a compelling need to protect his innocence perhaps for a little while longer. And I fear that tomorrow marks the day when his little innocent bubble may be pierced a little. And then it will all begin.
I know I sound dramatic. But listen to the rest of the story, and you'll know why.
We're very blessed to have an understanding principal, and he has been really great in communicating with parents and being receptive to listening to our concerns and respecting our decisions. I had requested for a meeting with him to look at the curriculum that will be presented to the children in Joshua's class. While nothing major stood out, I was still unsettled about the different scenarios that will be presented as an "assessment" of whether the action is appropriate or not, and what will constitute a good secret or bad secret. Also, I do not know who the school psychologist is who will be presenting the program. I do not know what the question-and-answer time will be like and what kind of answers will be given to the children.
With these unknowns, Jared and I felt that we should request that Joshua not participate in the program. Yes, this is an option! We've talked to Joshua pretty much about everything that will be covered in the program. We want the truths to come from us. And this is something that I've learned in my Tim Kimmel's Grace-Based Parenting studies - that we need to establish truth (about sex/sexuality) before the world distorts it.
During the course of the last few days, and in conversations with other parents from Joshua's class and school, it became clear that Joshua is probably the only student that will not be participating in the program from his class. He will be the only one that will leave the class, walk down to the office, and wait till the program is over before returning to class.
This is where the protective, emotional, mommy part of me is aching.
It will take courage in Joshua to be the only one to walk out of his room. It will take courage for him to know that somehow, he is different. It will take courage to stand up and walk away from his peers. And it will take courage for him to know that what he is doing is the right thing (not that his classmates aren't right. But they've chosen something different.)
It will take courage for me to let him go to school tomorrow. It will take courage for me to relinquish control over the outcome. It will take courage for me to allow the innocence of my baby boy to be perhaps pierced a little. It will take everything in me to not run to rescue him and keep him in my protective care.
Courage.
Interestingly...or perhaps, God-intended...I've been reading a lot about courage these days. I just finished a chapter on courage in the second Grace-Based Parenting book called "Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right". While the chapter is about instilling courage in our children, I feel that the lessons hold true for me too.
Courage.
It is the prayer I pray for my children every single night. The prayer of Joshua from the bible...to be "strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." And I find myself praying that pray for me these past few days.
Courage.
As I witnessed the marathon runners last Sunday when I was in Chicago cheering Jared on, I was inspired by their courage, their endurance, their perseverance. For some, this was a courageous goal...to attain something that they thought they never could. The courage to continue running even when they were hurting, especially when they hit "the wall". I watched the wheelchair marathoners in awe. I was moved to tears by the blind man who had 2 friends hold him by his arms on both sides and they were running alongside with him. I was filled with admiration for the man with spina bifida who ran the marathon...and completed it in 16 hours!
Jared completed the marathon in 4 hours!
The wheelchair marathoners!
The courage of these people is inspiring. And perhaps God had me witness these people's courageous acts to encourage me in my own struggle for courage.
I need to have the courage to let go. I need to have the courage to let Joshua and the girls grow, KNOWING full well that God is with them wherever they go.
One of the lessons that Tim Kimmel mentioned is teaching our kids how to stand up for something that may cause them to be set apart from everyone else. This will be true tomorrow. Not only for Joshua, but for us as a family as well. God has called us to be set apart anyway. But for Joshua's sake, I pray that there will be no repercussions of being teased or made fun of. But if that happens, I pray that he will have the strength and courage to meet it with his head held high, and be secure in the knowledge that what he's doing is right despite what others may say.
"Courage, Merry. Courage for our friends." This is when Eowyn assures Merry before the final battle in the third installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Courage. Courage for our family, and our friends. Even when it seems like I'm standing alone, I know that God is with me. And if God is with me, who can be against me?
So aching heart, take courage!
