It's not only one dragon, but a family of them. One I call Shame, another I call Self-Loathing, then there are the twins, You-Don't-Belong-Anywhere (YDBA, for short), and You're-Not-Good-Enough. There's yet another I call Lonely, and it's favorite cousin Despair.
I'm not one to throw a pity party for myself. First of all, you need more than one to have a party. But since it's just me, I've kept a lot of it to myself; deluding myself into thinking that I can deal with it. The lies of "nobody has time for you...nobody wants to listen to your problems and struggles anyway...suck it up and move on...for pete's sake, you're a pastor's wife so slap on a happy face...you're the black sheep, you don't belong..." have been the constant voices that I've allowed to drown out Truths. As I let these lies penetrate my thoughts and psyche, I slowly started to believe them. How did it come to this?
I realized that I haven't dealt with some aspects of my past - past hurts and pains which have been stifled, and now, the ramifications are huge. I prided myself in having dealt with family-of-origin issues. It was such a break-through for me dealing with that! I knew I had to process through my growing up years, and to stop the generational sin that had been passed down. My motive was out of a desperation to be a better mother and better wife. By the grace of God, a lot of my past with my family has been redeemed. And it is by this same grace that I am a different person than I could have turned out to be. I'm not some great mom or wife, but I'm, at least, a healthier one. But working on my past had stopped there. Until recently...
The more I read, especially from Dan Allender and Brene Brown, the more I can attest to the fact that yes, in every human being, one of our basest, innate desires is to belong: belonging to a family, a social group, a church group, even in one's own intimate circle of friends. And it is that feeling of not belonging anywhere that has gripped me, and paralyzed me into a state of numbness - that I'm here to be used by others, and then discarded and disregarded when they have no more use of me. It sends me into a tailspin of feelings of loneliness and despair.
So, circumstances and moments, even people, would trigger these feelings. Because of it's regular occurrence, sometimes the presence of certain circumstances or people would inadvertently cause me to feel anxious and afraid.
I believe this to be one of the busiest seasons in my life, in any mother's life who has a handful of school-going kids and who's also working, doing ministry, etc. When I watched the movie "Mom's Night Out" over Christmas break, I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, wondering if there had been a hidden camera in my home to capture the very relatable moments in the movie! I related to both Allyson (the main character) and Sondra (the pastor's wife). It was overwhelming to watch, but at the same time, comforting, knowing that I'm not the only one going through this.
I'm feeling pulled in so many directions, and for the most part, not feeling like I'm doing anything right. I hear a lot of criticisms, and not a lot of affirmations. And while certain people are the way they are (I hate that phrase, by the way!), I don't think they realize their offenses and how their actions can be hurtful. I'm not a very confrontational person, but I believe in the biblical exhortation of Matthew 18 where you need to go to the person who has offended you. To follow this truth has really stretched me, and though uncomfortable as it may be, I try to heed it as much as I can. However, there's nothing much I can do if someone doesn't want to listen or change. It's easy for me to say "I've done my part, so I just need to move on." Or in terms of circumstances, I can't really change something that's pretty much set in stone, like a particular program or workshop. But it's the presence of the said person or circumstance that triggers all of my negative feelings.
So, I found myself spiraling...into a pit. (I think there's a Beth Moore study called "Get Out of the Pit"...maybe I need to study that!) A pit that's big enough just for me and no one else. And that pit got deeper and darker till I could barely see the light.
But I know I'm not completely alone. "Where can I hide from you, O God?"
Even in the midst of hopelessness, there is still hope. There is a still, small voice that soothes and encourages. There is a faint push towards the light. Somewhere in the fogginess, God yet again gives me the strength I need to take that small step forward. In His gentleness, He whispers His Truths, about me and who He has created me to be.
I've let others define me, and I've become someone that I'm not. I've caught myself treating others in the way that they've treated me, and I do it out of spite and hurt and anger. But to done a different skin other than your own, it's uncomfortable and the voice in my head screams "that's not you!!". So enough! God has given me gifts of mercy, faith, and hospitality. Let me use them to the best of my abilities. If others should choose to abuse it and take advantage of it, then there's nothing I can do. At least I can say that I've been true to myself and true to God.
Living in the clutches of despair...this is not the life that God has intended! He has not called me to cower and hide. He did not throw in the towel and leave me defeated. He has called me to arise, to take up arms and fight. To fight for my God-given right of an abundant life, to fight for freedom. Christ came to set us free! I need to claim that promise and not live in defeat. I will fight for my freedom! My freedom in Christ!
I will wield my sword and shield, immersing myself in God's word and truth. I will put on my armor, staying prayerful and watchful. I will rise up against these strongholds, these dragons, and fight for my freedom! For if God is for me, who can be against me?
My word this year is "freedom", and this is my desolation of Smaug.
