To Joshua and Jenna (and now, Becca) on Mother's Day

I wrote this blog entry 2 years ago on Mother's Day for Joshua and Jenna...

SATURDAY, MAY 8, 2010

To Joshua and Jenna on Mother's Day

Around Easter, I wrote a journal entry about some of my thoughts and observations about the movie "The Passion of the Christ". Jared and I watch it every year, but for some reason, this year in particular, I was drawn to Mary, Jesus' mom. I was overwhelmed with some of the emotions she faced as a mom. Admists the honor and duty that was bestowed upon her from God, to birth the Messiah and to be Jesus' earthly guardian and care-giver, she was also his mother - one who loved and cherished her child, like we all do our children. But to be called to put her motherly duty on hold, allowing God to fulfill His plans instead, was probably the hardest thing she had to do. God's will ultimately comes first. But, I wonder what I would do if I was in her shoes...and I'm glad I wasn't.

Here's a snippet from my journal entry, and a glimpse into Mary's heart (my interpretation, of course!)...

"...I don’t remember how many times I’ve seen it ["The Passion"], but EVERY TIME, I get so emotional - so enraged at the Sanhedrin and their hypocrisy and high and mighty attitude; I would sob uncontrollably while the Roman soldiers brutally beat up my Savior to His last inch of breath; feeling helpless while Jesus stood trial in front of Pilate as he faced the sea of faces who cursed him and demanded his death (okay, I wanted to slap the smirk off the face of Barabas when he walked down the steps after being released as a prisoner!).

But a somewhat new reaction I had this year was at a profound scene of the movie. I’ve watched it so many times, but I don’t know why it affected me more so this year than any other. And I think, by far, this is my favorite scene in the movie (can I have a favorite?). I felt myself empathizing with Mary - filled with an overwhelming sense of motherly love and concern when Jesus fell for the umpteenth time along the Via Dolorosa, empathizing with her as she ran to him, with memories of the little boy Jesus stumbling and falling, and her cries of reassurance of “I’m here! I’m here!”, and wanting to reassure him again that she’s there, not leaving him, walking along side him, even on the road to his crucifixion. I can’t imagine how she was feeling, and I kept picturing what if this was Joshua (and interestingly enough, Ye-shu-a, the aramaic name in which Jesus was called during the movie, sounded so much like Joshua!). My heart broke and I cried when she said at the foot of the cross, she said “Flesh of my flesh, heart of my heart…let me die here with you”.

A mother’s love knows no bounds, and I often wonder if her presence, her words of reassurance, somehow kept Jesus going on that long road to Golgotha as he had to carry his own cross.

And a mother will fight for her child, and be his or her strongest and greatest advocate! The same scene where Jesus is carrying his cross on the crowded narrow street, and Mary, John, and Mary Magdalene were following along on the side. Mary spots the devil across the crowd, and I love how she eyeballs him - in a way that seemed to indicate “don’t mess with my son, you don’t know who you’re dealing with, this battle is not over. In fact, prepare to lose because you have no power over him!”. It was as if she was ready to go to battle and do some one-on-one combat. It was the look of death that she gave Death itself. O, Death where is your sting!"

(I'll end my journal entry here)

Flesh of my flesh, heart of my heart...

Joshua and Jenna, that heaven would entrust me with you - the two most beautiful babies in the world, I am indeed honored to be your mommy. As long as God gives me life and breath here on this earth, I will be your greatest advocate and biggest cheerleader, and will love you with every ounce of my being, so that you will know that you're never alone, that "I am here! I am here!", and so will God. I love you both, with all my heart.

Recalibrating

I have been looking forward to these next 24 hours for a long time. When I left home this morning, I was excited, but at the same time, feeling a little guilty for leaving Jared with our 3 kids. As I hugged and kissed them all goodbye, I couldn't help but tear up because this will be my first time away from all of them, especially Becca, since she was born.

But...I believe in the importance of taking a personal retreat. I think every wife and mom should. We give so much of ourselves to our family, friends, ministry, that it's good to take time away from all the responsibilities for a day or two. And just focus on yourself (it's not selfish to say that!) and recharge your batteries. Speaking like a true introvert, and that's really who I am, I know that this time will re-energize me, and really...I just want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. And I know this time away to RECALIBRATE will, God-willing, help point me in the right direction.

My advise, before you begin your personal retreat, is to go with some goals and intentions. That way, you have some focus to your activities of the day. But also, give yourself enough free time to do whatever you want to do, be it shopping, or in my case, I would like to get a pedicure and then sit for hours at Barnes and Noble and read without interruption (heaven!). So, my intent is to get away, not only to rest (I am giddy with excitement that I get to sleep in tomorrow!), but also to spend this time with God - reading, praying, journaling. I hope to be re-energized, be reminded of God's truth and love for me, and have a sense of renewed purpose for the summer and the rest of the year ahead.

This really is the best weekend to do this. It's the perfect Mother's Day gift for me, a week early (so Jared, you really don't need to get me anything next week!). But I've had a rough start to the year and these past couple of months have been physically, emotionally, and relationally draining for me. I shared with one of my best friends that all I really want to do right now is go crawl in a hole somewhere and hide. I am just so exhausted. And in my sheer exhaustion, the people closest to me suffer. I've been losing my patience with my children, and I know Jared is tired of hearing me complain about everything. The disappointments and frustrations that I've felt over the last few months have become overwhelming. So, before I have a total meltdown, I know that I desperately need this retreat...to heal, to mend, and to be reminded again of who God has called me to be.

Our small group is reading John Eldredge's book Epic right now. I just finished it this morning, and I am recommending it to everyone. It is a quick and easy read, but also a reminder of God's love for us, His intent for us and our story. I know some people aren't big fans of his writing, but I think one of the reasons why his writing resonates with me is that he uses a lot of battle analogies and imageries of epic stories, like the Lord of the Rings. If you know me, I'm all about fighting the good fight; I talk about being in battle; I even titled a previous blog post "Warrior Mom". So, the genre sits well with me. In the book Epic, he reminds us of the larger Story that God has for all of us. It's not only about the here and now. But Eldredge reminds us of the glory before sin came into the world. We were created and crowned with glory and honor (Psalm 8:5). That was God's intent for us all along. And the book reminds us also of the glory that is to come, once the Kingdom is restored.

So, what do we do with the present?

We are all in this Story, and we all have a crucial role to play. As a mom with young kids, we often lose our identity. But I do have an important role to play. Not only as a mom and wife, but I have a crucial role to play as a Christian. Even though I've been hurt by relationships recently, I still have a role to play. The easy way is to shrug my shoulders, wipe off the dust, and say "to heck with it". But God has called me, and He has called us, otherwise.

"God creates us in his image, with powers like unto his own - the ability to reason, to create, to share intimacy, to know joy...above all else, he endows us with that ONE quality for which he is most known. He enables us to love." (Eldredge, Epic, p. 50)

God has endowed, enabled, and called us to love. Despite the hurt, the frustrations, the disappointments, we are still called to love. It's so hard and I've cried out to God with questions of why, they don't even care, what's the point, it's not going to make a difference, they're not going to change, why bother, etc. As I reflected on all these things, I'm reminded that God chooses to love me everyday, even though I fail him and disappoint him daily. His grace covers all my sins, and He chooses to love me anyway. He chooses to love me! So, why can't I love others and extend grace to them? It's not going to be easy, but I have to. I have to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have to choose to forgive, even if they never ask for it. I have to choose to give them grace. And I have to choose to love them, no matter what.

One of my favorite singers and songwriters is Nicole Nordeman. Her songs minister to me in very profound ways. As I was driving this morning, I had her CD blaring in the car, and I worshipped. And her song "Legacy" ministered to me for the umpteenth time.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
who blessed your name
unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

(Nicole Nordeman, Legacy)

So love, even though it hurts you, even if it doesn't make sense to the other person. It's Christ in you that they will see. For Him and His glory!