Recalibrating

I have been looking forward to these next 24 hours for a long time. When I left home this morning, I was excited, but at the same time, feeling a little guilty for leaving Jared with our 3 kids. As I hugged and kissed them all goodbye, I couldn't help but tear up because this will be my first time away from all of them, especially Becca, since she was born.

But...I believe in the importance of taking a personal retreat. I think every wife and mom should. We give so much of ourselves to our family, friends, ministry, that it's good to take time away from all the responsibilities for a day or two. And just focus on yourself (it's not selfish to say that!) and recharge your batteries. Speaking like a true introvert, and that's really who I am, I know that this time will re-energize me, and really...I just want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. And I know this time away to RECALIBRATE will, God-willing, help point me in the right direction.

My advise, before you begin your personal retreat, is to go with some goals and intentions. That way, you have some focus to your activities of the day. But also, give yourself enough free time to do whatever you want to do, be it shopping, or in my case, I would like to get a pedicure and then sit for hours at Barnes and Noble and read without interruption (heaven!). So, my intent is to get away, not only to rest (I am giddy with excitement that I get to sleep in tomorrow!), but also to spend this time with God - reading, praying, journaling. I hope to be re-energized, be reminded of God's truth and love for me, and have a sense of renewed purpose for the summer and the rest of the year ahead.

This really is the best weekend to do this. It's the perfect Mother's Day gift for me, a week early (so Jared, you really don't need to get me anything next week!). But I've had a rough start to the year and these past couple of months have been physically, emotionally, and relationally draining for me. I shared with one of my best friends that all I really want to do right now is go crawl in a hole somewhere and hide. I am just so exhausted. And in my sheer exhaustion, the people closest to me suffer. I've been losing my patience with my children, and I know Jared is tired of hearing me complain about everything. The disappointments and frustrations that I've felt over the last few months have become overwhelming. So, before I have a total meltdown, I know that I desperately need this retreat...to heal, to mend, and to be reminded again of who God has called me to be.

Our small group is reading John Eldredge's book Epic right now. I just finished it this morning, and I am recommending it to everyone. It is a quick and easy read, but also a reminder of God's love for us, His intent for us and our story. I know some people aren't big fans of his writing, but I think one of the reasons why his writing resonates with me is that he uses a lot of battle analogies and imageries of epic stories, like the Lord of the Rings. If you know me, I'm all about fighting the good fight; I talk about being in battle; I even titled a previous blog post "Warrior Mom". So, the genre sits well with me. In the book Epic, he reminds us of the larger Story that God has for all of us. It's not only about the here and now. But Eldredge reminds us of the glory before sin came into the world. We were created and crowned with glory and honor (Psalm 8:5). That was God's intent for us all along. And the book reminds us also of the glory that is to come, once the Kingdom is restored.

So, what do we do with the present?

We are all in this Story, and we all have a crucial role to play. As a mom with young kids, we often lose our identity. But I do have an important role to play. Not only as a mom and wife, but I have a crucial role to play as a Christian. Even though I've been hurt by relationships recently, I still have a role to play. The easy way is to shrug my shoulders, wipe off the dust, and say "to heck with it". But God has called me, and He has called us, otherwise.

"God creates us in his image, with powers like unto his own - the ability to reason, to create, to share intimacy, to know joy...above all else, he endows us with that ONE quality for which he is most known. He enables us to love." (Eldredge, Epic, p. 50)

God has endowed, enabled, and called us to love. Despite the hurt, the frustrations, the disappointments, we are still called to love. It's so hard and I've cried out to God with questions of why, they don't even care, what's the point, it's not going to make a difference, they're not going to change, why bother, etc. As I reflected on all these things, I'm reminded that God chooses to love me everyday, even though I fail him and disappoint him daily. His grace covers all my sins, and He chooses to love me anyway. He chooses to love me! So, why can't I love others and extend grace to them? It's not going to be easy, but I have to. I have to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have to choose to forgive, even if they never ask for it. I have to choose to give them grace. And I have to choose to love them, no matter what.

One of my favorite singers and songwriters is Nicole Nordeman. Her songs minister to me in very profound ways. As I was driving this morning, I had her CD blaring in the car, and I worshipped. And her song "Legacy" ministered to me for the umpteenth time.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
who blessed your name
unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

(Nicole Nordeman, Legacy)

So love, even though it hurts you, even if it doesn't make sense to the other person. It's Christ in you that they will see. For Him and His glory!