Capturing Memories

(I dedicate this blog entry to all the moms who are going through a similar grieving process as their children are reaching milestones way quicker than the parents anticipated, especially with their last and final baby!)

I really don't know how some mommy bloggers do it. How, where, when...do they find the time to blog? A friend told me that I could make money from blogging. At this rate, I think I'd fire myself. So, with all that said, I'm sorry for my hiatus. Life happens...

Two huge milestones occurred within the last 3 weeks in the life of the Ahrens Family. Baby Becca turned 6 months old, and my fiesty princess Jenna turned 3 last Wednesday. And my heart...oh my heart...is aching, contorting, grieving. While this sounds so bleak, I assure you that I am treasuring every moment of my time with my kids. I just can't believe how fast time is flying. I know we all get 24 hours in a day. Time stops for no one. But somehow, I feel like in this season of life, everything is in fast forward, and there's nothing I can do about it.

If that's the case, then I have to relish and treasure every moment that I've been given. I never truly understood what it meant in Luke 2:19 when "Mary treasured up all these things...in her heart" until now. Someone told me when I was pregnant with Joshua that the nights are long, but the days are short. Those words ring true for me! Since our family had been plagued with sickness for almost 2 months, I've had to get up multiple times in the middle of the night to tend to one, and sometimes, all three kids. It's hard to try to keep things in perspective at 3am, but I keep thinking of those words about the long nights and short days.

I think of Jenna, who just turned 3. I wept when I reflected on her short 3 years of life that she's been blessed with so far, because I vaguely remember her being 1 or early 2s! I had to grab the albums and remind myself of what it was like when she was a baby, and what we did together before she was dethroned as the youngest member of the family with the arrival of Becca. (that's why I think it's important to invest the time to create a family album or baby scrapbook...for memories' sake!)

And I wept when I put away Becca's 0-3 month clothes, and just recently, her 3-6 month ones. Because she is our "last", there is a deep sense of loss as I said goodbye to the infant stage. I'm not a hoarder, but I can see how it would be difficult for me to part with something so menial as clothing. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I the only person who is a weeping, pathetic mess? Since time doesn't care much for the heartache of a mommy, I need to treasure the here and now.

So, how does one treasure the moment? I really don't know. But this is what I choose to do: to accept the reality that time is fleeting. And in this moment with my children, be present. Often times, I close my eyes and try to capture and take a mental image of what's going on (okay, I know that sounds kookie, but it works for me!), and I say a quiet prayer of thanksgiving to God, for the opportunity of this moment, to love and live. And of course, I always keep my camera handy!

I've shared with many friends that I actually didn't mind the middle of the night feedings when my children were babies. While they roll their eyes (cos they're entitled to their own opinion!), I explained that in the quiet of the night, when it's just me and the baby, and soft Baby Praise music is playing in the background, something happens. Something pure, something so perfect, something that transcends current time...I call it my holy moment. I not only connect with my child, I find myself connecting with God. The music helps, and the powerful lyrics speak what is in my heart, and I worship. I worship the One who created me. I worship the One who created this miracle who is my baby. I worship the One who chose to give this particular child to me. I worship the One who trusts me enough to care for one of His own. And in those moments, there is the kind of love that exudes from within. A love for my child. A love for my God. And whispered prayers of gratitude go up to Him. And whispered promises of unconditional love to my Joshua, Jenna, and Becca. I pray over them...prayers of hope and desire that they will come to know the One who loves them infinitely more than Jared and me.

The one song that I LOVE and sing over my children is Hold on to Jesus by Erin O'Donnell. And this song is played and sung every night, as a reminder to them and to me:

You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
And I wish I could protect you from the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus, cos He's holding on to you.

The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
Being good's a losing fight
But remember what I told you
Cos the world will make you choose
Just hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you.

Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you.

Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep her close when she's scared
And give her grace when she is weak
I know that she'll stumble
But I know she'll make it through
If you hold to her just like
You said You'd do
Hold her Jesus
And she'll hold on tight to You

(Erin O'Donnell, No Place So Far)

So, my nights are now filled with these precious memories. And my days, while hectic, are causing me to pause and be intentional about capturing similar memories to treasure in my heart.

Motherhood is a bittersweet journey. But so worth it! My three cutie-patooties are so worth it!