"I believe in you"

(sorry, but this post is a little long...)

My heart is heavy.  Joshua did not have a good week at school, and in his frustration, unhappiness, and feelings of despair, I've somehow been bearing his heavy heart as well.  Isn't that what mothers do anyway?

I'm starting to realize that having been a first grade teacher is both a curse and a blessing.  I have certain expectations about how first grade should be, and more importantly, that the teacher should be a nurturing individual whose job is to make first grade fun, and to ensure a great year of academic and social development.  Joshua had a wonderful kindergarten experience, and I was doubly excited for first grade to come because, hey, I taught first grade in the past, and it was a lot of fun, and the students just learned so much. 

So, I guess I went into the new school year a little naive, and with somewhat high expectations.  Needless to say, within the first 2 weeks of school, my expectations and excitement were squelched.  Joshua's teacher is new to the school district, but not new to the Chinese Immersion Program.  She's from mainland China (I think, but definitely a native Chinese speaker).  I think it's neat that she's from China!  Ms. Kuo, Joshua's kindergarten teacher, is from Taiwan, but you couldn't tell because she's got the perfect American accent and her English is flawless.  She was perfect for the Chinese Immersion Program, and just wonderful to the kindergarteners.  The new first grade teacher, while obviously fluent in Chinese, is not so in English.  I realize the enormous stress of starting in a new school, new district, so I understand if she's not as organized as the other teachers.  I give her the benefit of the doubt for not being familiar with the new curriculum.  I give her grace for not being efficient with her communication, as I'm sure she's busy with getting used to the logistics of a new school.  I even understand if she's speaking mostly Chinese in class, even though the students are frustrated because they have a difficult time understanding her (and difficulty understanding her English as well!), because English is not her first language. 

But when I heard about a first grader from Joshua's class who, after hurting herself at recess, complained that her head hurt and told the teacher, and this teacher did nothing (and this child's head continued to hurt all day and even through the evening at home!), I saw red flags.  When I heard accounts from other moms that their child was crying in class, because of difficulty understanding her, and she has no empathy whatsoever, my mommy claws were itching to come out.  And when it finally hit home last week, I was ready to go to battle for my son.

I know it's only Week 2, and the First Graders, especially, are having a hard time adjusting to full-day school.  Many were shedding tears in class because they missed being at home or just missed their mommies, and understandably so!  While I empathize with Joshua and how he misses us, I know not to coddle him too much so as not to encourage his whiney-ness.  I definitely do not want to be an enabler, and cave in to his every "cry" for help (sometimes he can be a little manipulative)!  As parents, we want to acknowledge how he's feeling, but also to help him problem-solve, and figure out what he can do to make things better. 

All week, he was reluctant to go to school.  He kept telling us that he couldn't understand his teacher, also the teacher had put him at a table with one other student who didn't speak English (there are 25 kids in his class, so I don't understand why she didn't just put 5 kids at a table, instead of isolating 2!).  Fortuntately, one other boy joined their table and now there's 3 of them, which I still don't get!  Anyway, Friday morning he started crying at home over breakfast, and cried when we got to school.  He didn't even want to go in.  It was a heart-wrenching moment because I honestly didn't know what to do.  I asked him if he would feel better if I went to talk to his teacher.  And he said yes.  So, I did what I could to go see her.  I couldn't just walk into the building, for security purposes.  So, I had to go to the front office.  And let me tell you, the office staff was not happy with me because they thought that I would be interrupting the teacher (it was 10 minutes before school even started!).  This is one of the incidences that I felt like I had to speak up for my child.  I had to be his advocate and go to bat for him, no matter what.  I mean, he's standing there bawling his eyes out.  I was not going to let him just stay in the office and for me to just walk away.  I didn't know how the office staff or the teacher, for that matter, was going to receive him.  And by golly, I wanted to speak to the teacher and tell her myself why Joshua was so upset!  So, I kept my ground and insisted that I talk to the teacher (hence, they were mad at me!).  Eventually, one of them walked me and Joshua to the classroom.

When she saw us, she came over and asked what was the matter, and I told her that Joshua has been having a difficult time coming to school, specifically, he's having a hard time understanding Chinese, and if and when she spoke English in class.  She didn't seem very sympathetic and said very matter-of-factly, "yes, chinese is hard".  And she frowned and looked confused and told me "but Joshua is doing well in school".  Uh, clearly he's not.  If he was doing well, he'd be loving school and wouldn't be fighting us everyday.  I just wanted her to be aware of how he's feeling.  And interestingly enough, while I was talking to the teacher, a boy in class yelled out "Sam (not his real name) was crying yesterday too!". 

So now I'm starting to wonder how many kids are frustrated and upset, and I'm wondering what she's doing about it.  I was really hoping to get an email from her later that day to tell me how Joshua did at school.  But she didn't.  Anyway, if anything I wanted to bring to her attention what was going on with Joshua, and to let her know that we, as parents, will do our part to help him develop a positive attitude about school.  But she has to do her part as well!  I talked to her for another minute about communication and English literacy, or lack thereof on both parts, and she became defensive. 

So clearly, there is an issue of her personality. 

And I probably went about everything the wrong way.  I guess I was just desperate to "do something".  I'm not proud of becoming one of the those parents.  But I don't regret speaking up for my son. 

While I would love for Joshua to have a nurturing teacher, unfortunately, he does not.  We can't change the circumstance.  So now the big question is...what do we do about this?

Tonight, and every night for that matter, I reminded Joshua of who he is.  I remind him of his namesake, the Joshua from the bible, and how he was strong and courageous.  I reminded him of how special his name is, and how special he is, and why we chose this very name for him.  It's because we believe in him, and we believe that he can be strong and courageous, just like Joshua in the bible.  Tonight, it truly resonated with him.  He looked at me and asked, "You really named me after Joshua from the bible?"  "You really think I can be brave and strong and courageous?"

Our children are grasping for us to believe in them.  And what a huge gift and blessing it is to them when we can look them squarely in the eye and say "I believe in you".  I remember reading David Staal's book "Words Kids Need to Hear", and one of the things we should say is just this - I believe in you.  In fact, it's the very first chapter of the book.  This will carry so much weight with our kids, "because when a parent believes in you, you begin to believe in yourself" (p.15).  Staal continues to say:

"...express your belief in your children now, just the way they are - void of pressure to perform well.  Children especially need our belief when they do not succeed."

(Words Kids Need to Hear, p. 28)

While I can't change the circumstances of Joshua's first grade experience, and I definitely can't change the teacher and how she's wired, I can empower Joshua to believe that God is with him, and that God can give him the strength and courage to be at school, and to give him the hope and assurance that I believe whole-heartedly in him. 

At the same time, I feel convicted about praying for his teacher.  I confess that I do not have pleasant thoughts about her, but I need to...I have to...pray for her as well.  And who knows, this year can only get better, right?

Oh, and P.S.:  I am recommending Dave Staal's book to every parent.  It is insightful, inspiring, and I will be reading it over and over again.  I'll start listing the books that I'm reading or have read on the right-hand column.

And thanks for reading the thoughts of a very frustrated mother who has no idea what she's doing!!