In need of grace

I'm having one of those days.  You know, the ones when all you want to do is crawl under your blanket and sleep.  The ones when you want to eat all the Tim Tams or any other form of cookies or delectable delights until you're overly stuffed.  The ones when you wish you could stay in bed all day and just watch reruns of Downton Abbey Seasons 1, 2 and 3!

I checked.  It's not the time of the month. 

Maybe it's just February.  And thankfully, this is the last day of the month!  It's cold and gloomy outside.  Oh, and did I mention that I'm averaging only a few hours of sleep a night?  And I've been battling this sinus congestion thing for a couple of weeks now. 

Becca was sick last week, and poor baby was so congested that sleeping was difficult for her.  Hence, she was waking up multiple times at night.  She then started getting up at 4:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep.  Now that she's better, you'd think she'd go back to her usual sleep routine.  Oh no!  Her new wake time is now between 4:30 and 5am.  And let me just tell you...I am NOT a morning person. 

And being 18 months, there's so much of the world to explore - cupboards to open, stairs to climb, contents in jars to dump out, milk to spill, dirt to eat, Legos to flush (yes, down the toilet!), walls to paint (with dirty fingers or whatever writing utensil is laying around).  Yes, all very cute.  But, in this moment, counting to 10 (or even 100) is not working much for me. 

My head and throat hurt, my eyes are burning from lack of sleep.  At the same time, I'm trying to help my first grader with his Chinese homework and I can't...it literally is becoming foreign to me (some days I regret my decision to send him to the Immersion Program!).  And, I'm trying to play Doc McStuffin with my preschooler and am not succeeding because I'm not "playing it right" (how do you play wrong?!).  All this time, I have to keep an eye on the said toddler explorer, and make sure she doesn't throw any more of my personal effects in the trash (I found some of my delicates in the garbage the other day!).  I'm just one hot mess!

I'm striving to whine less, complain less, look at the brighter, positive side of things.  But you couldn't tell from what I just wrote!  While I try to be a cup-half-full person, this "thing", this feeling of "blahness", tiredness, sickness, whatever it is, is kicking my butt!

This afternoon, while Becca napped, I was trying to lay down as well.  But Jenna wanted some  "cuddle time" with me (but who's kidding, I can't nap when I cuddle with Jenna.  She's a wiggly worm!).  At first, I said no because I wanted to nap.  Then this overwhelming sense of guilt enveloped me, and I thought I heard "you're a terrible mom for choosing napping over your daughter", "don't you want to spend quality time with her?  You keep telling others to cherish these moments, and you can't even do it, you hypocrite!", "she's growing up and you're going to regret not spending this time with her", and on and on these lies kept playing in my head.  Maybe it's the ibuprofen talking, but I am ashamed to admit - I did succumb and spent the next couple of hours with Jenna on my lap, while she poked and prodded me with her Doc McStuffin's doctor's equipment (darn you, Doc McStuffin!). 

While I'm sure the 2 hours meant the world to her, I know that at times, it is okay to say no.  I just need to keep those accusatory voices at bay.  And when I yelled at my kids today, and again, instantaneously was engulfed in guilt, I need to fight the lies of the "failed mom" that roams in my head.  Above all else, I need to find enough grace to give myself when I feel like an utter failure.  It's so much easier said than done. 

Hence in those moments of grasping for shreds of grace, that's when I appreciate my dear friend, Becky, who texted me today after I told her that I wanted to move far, far away, and she encouraged me with empathy and with words of "you are a rock star", even though I didn't feel like one!  I learned that in those times when I can't give myself grace, it's such a blessing to have others do it for me!

Okay, I'll stop my whining now...

Who else is looking forward to Spring?!