The first week of school is well underway, and it seems like routine is slowly starting to take root again in our home. Joshua started his Fall season of soccer, and I've accepted a subbing assignment for this coming week...God-willing, I'll be feeling better by then.
Josh with good friend, Jack, on the first day of soccer.
I was a couple of days behind on my Jesus Calling devotion, and was doing some catch-up this morning. I wish I had read the August 23rd devotion on the 23rd! It spoke volumes to me, and it would have coincided nicely with the prayer time I had with the other moms from school. Here's what it said...
"Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care. They are much safer with me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one - and yourself...
...when you release loved ones to me, you are free to cling to my hand. As you entrust others into my care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do."
As a mom, I am such a control-freak. Okay, who am I kidding? I'm a control freak in all areas of my life! Learning to let go and surrender is very difficult.
For so many years of my life, starting from around my mid-teens, I've had to take care of myself. I didn't grow up in a "normal" family and my rites of passage were either way too early or excluded all together. I've had to figure things out, figure life out mostly by myself, and by the grace of God, He's given me a conservative spirit which I believe was to my benefit during those formative years. Don't get me wrong, I did have some fun along the way...but nothing that has caused me a lifetime of regret. Just the typical retrospective "what were you thinking?", like the time when I was in Barcelona, and some fellow Aussies and I were challenged by other fellow Commonwealth friends (namely the South Africans and Brits!) into a drinking game. Or when I got lost in Athens and decided it was a good idea to follow some stranger on a bus because he said he knew how to get to the US Embassy (yes, my dad still reminds me to this day that I could've been lying dead in a ditch somewhere!), or when I found myself in downtown LA at 2am waiting for a bus to take me back to the youth hostel, or trying to prove a point by hanging over the ledge of a precipice at the Grand Canyon.
But for the most part, I think I've done a pretty good job at taking care of myself, not really having to rely on anyone. And then came marriage and kids. As newly-weds, Jared and I both brought with us our own sets of ideas of how certain things should be done. Things like finances, car maintenance, just to name a couple! I remember how difficult it was for me to relinquish control over the finances because how it worked for me all these years SHOULD be the way we do it in our new marriage, right? Even though every fiber in my being was screaming "My way is the right way!", I had to learn how to release that control. I've always had my own checking account, and it's something that my dad had always ingrained in me. Maybe it's an Asian thing, I don't know. But the notion of having a joint account after I became Mrs. Ahrens bothered me. To clarify, I'm okay with the joint account, but there was NO WAY I was getting rid of my own checking account! Through the course of the first couple of years of marriage, I stayed true to my convictions. But I realized that having an exclusive joint account was something very important to Jared. So, I think on our 2nd or 3rd Christmas together as a married couple, I put my letter from the bank in a gift box, wrapped it up and gave it to Jared. The letter was a confirmation of me terminating my own checking account. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was a huge step for me to relinquish my control over my finances to someone else, even if that someone else is my husband.
With the kids, I've always had this residual pride that since I was a teacher, that I knew kids. And when I was pregnant, I read so many books on how to take care of babies, child-rearing, subscribed to Parenting magazines, etc. I just wanted to be in the know. It irked me when Jared came along and decided to do things with the kids his own way, and the prideful side of me would get mad and say "you haven't read a single thing about parenting, so what makes you think that what you're doing is right?!" But I've made so many mistakes as a parent, and on most days, I wish I could be more like Jared! He follows his heart, not a book. He follows his God-given parental instincts, and not a list of have-to's.
So, letting go has been a difficult process for me. Not only with the kids, but with my life. I need to surrender all aspects of my life to Him. He is in control. He is in the driver's seat. I just need to trust and obey, and let God be God. Jan Silvious, a Christian comedian, says "There's only one God, and you're not Him." How true! So as the kids get older, I know that I will be plunging head first into learning how to release them. The devotion on the 23rd is just a reminder to me that God is with them. It's not only letting them go, but also letting God work, letting Him bless them. And letting His peace dwell in me and see what He will do in my own life.
"Under His wings you will find refuge."
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