Courage

(I wrote this last week...yeah, my posts are sitting as drafts for way too long...sorry!)

As I'm writing this, my soul is unsettled, and I am anxious.  I didn't think the day would come when my 7-year-old has to go to school and sit through a sex abuse education program.  We were given notice less than a week ago that this would be happening.  It seems too soon, and my mind has been in a whirlwind.  While it's not sex ed, it's still a discussion about the difference between a good touch and a bad touch.  I guess the unnerving thing is that the children will be introduced to the fact that sex abuse can happen, and at the potential hands of the closest people they know.

As adults, we know this to be true.  But to be honest, I am not prepared for my 7-year-old to come to grips with that reality just yet.  I know I can't protect him forever, but I feel a compelling need to protect his innocence perhaps for a little while longer.  And I fear that tomorrow marks the day when his little innocent bubble may be pierced a little.  And then it will all begin.

I know I sound dramatic.  But listen to the rest of the story, and you'll know why.

We're very blessed to have an understanding principal, and he has been really great in communicating with parents and being receptive to listening to our concerns and respecting our decisions.  I had requested for a meeting with him to look at the curriculum that will be presented to the children in Joshua's class.  While nothing major stood out, I was still unsettled about the different scenarios that will be presented as an "assessment" of whether the action is appropriate or not, and what will constitute a good secret or bad secret.  Also, I do not know who the school psychologist is who will be presenting the program.  I do not know what the question-and-answer time will be like and what kind of answers will be given to the children. 

With these unknowns, Jared and I felt that we should request that Joshua not participate in the program.  Yes, this is an option!  We've talked to Joshua pretty much about everything that will be covered in the program.  We want the truths to come from us.  And this is something that I've learned in my Tim Kimmel's Grace-Based Parenting studies - that we need to establish truth (about sex/sexuality) before the world distorts it. 

During the course of the last few days, and in conversations with other parents from Joshua's class and school, it became clear that Joshua is probably the only student that will not be participating in the program from his class.  He will be the only one that will leave the class, walk down to the office, and wait till the program is over before returning to class.

This is where the protective, emotional, mommy part of me is aching. 

It will take courage in Joshua to be the only one to walk out of his room.  It will take courage for him to know that somehow, he is different.  It will take courage to stand up and walk away from his peers.  And it will take courage for him to know that what he is doing is the right thing (not that his classmates aren't right.  But they've chosen something different.)

It will take courage for me to let him go to school tomorrow.  It will take courage for me to relinquish control over the outcome.  It will take courage for me to allow the innocence of my baby boy to be perhaps pierced a little.  It will take everything in me to not run to rescue him and keep him in my protective care.

Courage. 

Interestingly...or perhaps, God-intended...I've been reading a lot about courage these days.  I just finished a chapter on courage in the second Grace-Based Parenting book called "Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right".  While the chapter is about instilling courage in our children, I feel that the lessons hold true for me too. 

Courage.

It is the prayer I pray for my children every single night.  The prayer of Joshua from the bible...to be "strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  And I find myself praying that pray for me these past few days.

Courage.

As I witnessed the marathon runners last Sunday when I was in Chicago cheering Jared on, I was inspired by their courage, their endurance, their perseverance.  For some, this was a courageous goal...to attain something that they thought they never could.  The courage to continue running even when they were hurting, especially when they hit "the wall".  I watched the wheelchair marathoners in awe.  I was moved to tears by the blind man who had 2 friends hold him by his arms on both sides and they were running alongside with him.  I was filled with admiration for the man with spina bifida who ran the marathon...and completed it in 16 hours!

Jared completed the marathon in 4 hours!

The wheelchair marathoners!

The courage of these people is inspiring.  And perhaps God had me witness these people's courageous acts to encourage me in my own struggle for courage. 

I need to have the courage to let go.  I need to have the courage to let Joshua and the girls grow, KNOWING full well that God is with them wherever they go. 

One of the lessons that Tim Kimmel mentioned is teaching our kids how to stand up for something that may cause them to be set apart from everyone else.  This will be true tomorrow.  Not only for Joshua, but for us as a family as well.  God has called us to be set apart anyway.  But for Joshua's sake, I pray that there will be no repercussions of being teased or made fun of.  But if that happens, I pray that he will have the strength and courage to meet it with his head held high, and be secure in the knowledge that what he's doing is right despite what others may say.

"Courage, Merry.  Courage for our friends."  This is when Eowyn assures Merry before the final battle in the third installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Courage.  Courage for our family, and our friends.  Even when it seems like I'm standing alone, I know that God is with me.  And if God is with me, who can be against me?

So aching heart, take courage!

The List...#13

#13.  Run a Half Marathon

(FYI...this is a little long!)

Running the Half has been a personal quest this year.  I don't pretend to be a runner, because I'm not one.  I don't pretend to enjoy it, because I don't.  So, why run the Chicago Half Marathon?  I guess it's one of those challenges that I gave to myself.  Something that would require me to step out of my comfort zone.  Something that would require me to harness all my inner strength and discipline (especially having to get out of bed early!).  Something that is bigger than me, and would throw me into a state of total trust and reliance on God for His strength.

Growing up, I was on the track team and ran sprints, typically the 100m, 200m, the 4x100 relay.  As I got older, I started running 5Ks.  Initially, I ran 5Ks because it was for a worthy cause (I only participate in ones that are fundraisers for a non-profit).  I told myself that 5Ks would be the longest race I'd ever run.  I don't have the endurance nor the stamina to run anything longer (or rather, I don't have the endurance or patience to want to train for anything longer!).  I also thought the long runs would be boring.

Anyway, I challenged myself this year to doing something significant, to check something off my bucket-list, and to make my 40th year stand out a little bit more in my story.  And if that something significant could somehow benefit others, then I should do it.  Last year, I had the honor and privilege to travel to Bolivia with 5 other members of my church (one of them being Jared!).  We spent time at a local church in El Alto called Bethesda, and participated in the children's program.  And, oh the children!  They captured my heart!  You can read all about my experience in Bolivia here.

We found out earlier this year that the children's program is in jeopardy because of lack of funding.  Their previous sponsors had decided to pull out.  So our church is stepping in, and has committed to help them by raising funds to keep the children's program going.  We committed to raising $5000 by November 1st.  Without the children's program at Bethesda, I can't even begin to articulate the dire consequences.  These children will be back on the streets, roaming around the most dangerous city in South America, and who will fight for them and their future? 

It's because of the gravity and sense of urgency of this situation that I decided not only to run the half marathon, but to also use my run to raise money to help keep the children's program going.  I don't know how much I will raise, or even come close to putting a dent in their financial needs.  But I know that I can't sit on the sidelines and not do anything about it!  So, I made a decision to sign up for the Half and began my training in June.  (I would be honored if you'd like to partner with me, and if you are considering a financial gift, please go here to donate.)

It hasn't been an easy few months of training.  There were many days that I wanted to quit.  But as I saw the financial support of people coming in, I knew that there was no turning back.  Darn it, I had accountability now!  I remember mornings when I would lay in bed and try to come up with excuses as to why I can't train.  Then the faces of the children of Bethesda would come to mind.  I just had to get my butt out of bed and do this for them.

At every run, I always start off by praying for these kids.  It helps me to keep focused on why I'm doing this.  I know most people run with music on.  But this is something that hadn't worked for me.  Maybe on the short runs, I can handle listening to music.  But those long runs...the ones that I thought were going to be so boring...I had to figure out how to get through them without going crazy.  So lately, I've been listening to messages online pretty much every day while my girls have nap time and down time in the afternoons.  I decided to download some messages on iTunes and listen to it while I ran.  And holy iTunes Batman, I loved it!  It made me feel like the run was shorter, and I was able to listen to messages that filled me, encouraged me, grew me.  Not to sound weird, but I didn't feel like I was running alone.  It was almost as if God was running right alongside with me, encouraging me, teaching me truths, and giving me the strength to keep going on.  Granted, it's really hard to run when you're all choked up by the message and trying not to cry.  It messes with your breathing!  But honestly, I wasn't really paying attention to where I was running because I was so focused on listening to the message (I would drive by my running route and would notice things that I didn't notice when I was running!). 

All this said, I am glad that I chose to run the Half.  Again, God in His infinite wisdom knew that while I chose to run to raise funds for the children's program in Bolivia, God chose to bless me at the same time during my training as I listened to His word being preached.   I know that I've grown closer to Him, and have a hunger for His word in a way that I haven't had in a very long time.  And all this is because of running.

Running has become Jared's passion, and I can see why.  His desire is to be able to grow spiritually through his running, and to run for God's glory.  While I may not run another half marathon (and I'm not intending to run the Full!), I can attribute running to helping me grow closer to God.  I won't admit to this when I'm up at 5:30am, but when I'm out there in the crisp cool morning, and it's just me and God, and I'm listening to His truths, something holy takes place.  It's as if I'm in a shroud of holiness and every stride I take is just a humming of my heart enjoying the presence of my Jesus.  And at the end of my training run, I feel full, alive, and anticipate my next run when I can listen to Him again.  I don't think it's the runner's high that people talk about, because I still dread the long runs.  But it is a spiritual high that is driving me.

I didn't intend for this to be so long, but I hope you can celebrate along with me because I completed the Half Marathon today! 

Here's my account of the day:
The atmosphere was amazing.  The energy was palpitating.  I couldn't believe how many people were there!  Even though I didn't get to see my family or friends before the race, I knew that they would be cheering me on at Mile 2, 5, 12, and 13.  So, I had those mile markers to look forward to.  The beginning of the race was a little chaotic.  I felt like we were a pack of sardines being squished and had to move together like lemmings.  It was difficult to find any personal space...as you can tell, I'm a novice runner.  However, it was so fun to see Jared and the kids and my in laws at Mile 2, with their big signs!

Once I hit Lake Shore Drive and was running north, my wonderful friends, Amy and Ruth, were there to cheer me on too!  Soon after that, I was really having a hard time maintaining my pace.  The winds were pretty strong, and was going against us.  And I wasn't used to the madness at every water station (no wonder people carry their own water).  When I hit Mile 10, my knees and ankles started to hurt.  I thought, oh no, how am I going to run 3 more miles with this pain?  Being the strong-willed person that I am, I did NOT want to start walking.  If anything, a medic would have to lay me on a stretcher to get me to stop running.  It was the last 3 miles that really challenged me and tested me.  My feet and legs were screaming in pain, and every part of my body wanted to stop running.  But then, I kept thinking about all the words of encouragement that people had given to me or wrote on my Facebook wall.  I had commented on Facebook that "(their) words will fuel me".  And indeed they did.  And when I saw Amy and Ruth again at Mile 12, Ruth held a sign she had made for me.  It said "When your feet hurt, run with your heart."  It was exactly what I needed to hear!  So, I picked up my pace during Mile 13 and literally sprinted the last 0.1 mile to the finishing line.  I wanted to finish under 2 hours and 30 minutes.  I did 2:20.  Praise God!

My beautiful friends, Ruth and Amy!

I learned so many lessons about perseverance today.  But the big take-aways are the importance of encouragement, of finding people who believe in you, who will stand by you, and will cheer you on even when you want to give up.  Even though I may never do another half marathon again, I've experienced tangible analogies of the importance of community, of being a cheerleader, of the power of belief...even if just one person believed in you, and the power of words.

I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband who never stopped believing in me, and "trained" me these past few months.  I'm so blessed with awesome friends who took time out of their day to cheer me on even if it meant only seeing me for a few seconds.  And I'm eternally grateful to the many friends and family who have blessed me with their words of encouragement.  Thank you all for helping me get through this and for helping me fulfill a crazy whim to complete a half marathon!

The List...#10, #11, #12

#10. Get a new bike

The last time I owned a bike was when I was at ISU.  I lived off-campus and thought it would be a great way to get around if I had a bike.  I had a small car too, but it just seemed silly to drive 2 minutes to campus and take 10 minutes to find a parking spot.

Anyway, I've always loved biking.  Joshua loves the story of how I learned to ride a bike.  I remember my dad taking me to the top of a small hill, and he, literally, pushed me down it.  Yep!  That's how I learned to ride.  I fell a lot, got lots of cuts and bruises, but hey, I learned how to ride my big girl bike!

Growing up, one of my favorite places to ride my bike was along the beach.   There was a bike path that hugged the coast, and it would go on for miles and miles.  I loved going fast...I loved feeling the wind on my face...I think I just loved the freedom and the escape from the mundaneness of life (I was pretty philosophical back when I was 7...haha!).  As an adult, it would be a dream come true to ride a bike through the English or Italian country sides.  The rolling hills and endless beauty are so appealing.  Biking, like running, can be very therapeutic.  As least for me, anyway.

So, having been bike-less for almost 14 years (I was in a hit-and-run accident at ISU which totally crumpled up my bike!  That's another story for another day...), I really wanted to get one this year.  I mean, the kids have their own bikes, a friend gave Jared a bike.  I was the only one without one.  So, I went to my favorite outdoor store, REI, and did some research and tested out some bikes (with short stubby legs, I was resigned to the kiddie bikes.  But there are custom bikes out there for women with shorter legs).  So, this Spring, I was beside myself to bring home a brand new Navaro Fiona!  We've just had a ton of fun biking together as a family this summer!  I'd love to take my family on the Prairie Path this Fall for more biking fun!

My new bike!

 

We typically ride our bikes after dinner time

 

#11. Do something I've never done before...go on a cruise!

Jared and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this year.  We wanted to go somewhere memorable, do something that we've never done before.  We both have never been on a cruise.  So, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to do just that.  It seemed a romantic way to celebrate our anniversary!  So, we decided to go on a 6-day cruise to the Bahamas!

At Jacksonville airport, waiting for the bus to take us to the pier.

 

Our Carnival cruise-liner.  Holy cow, it's huge!

 

Walking around and checking out the ship.  I believe this is on the upper deck.

The inside of the ship...it's like a mini city!

Looking down from the upper deck into the "main" lobby area.

 

I was a little nervous at first, because I'm very prone to motion sickness.  The first day was rough.  I thought sitting outside on the balcony with some fresh air would make my stomach stop doing flip-flops.  But it was worse.  I just needed to go inside and lie down.  Day 2 and beyond, things got a lot better.  At times, I could feel the rocking of the ship, but it wasn't bad.  It was actually quite soothing as we took naps or went to bed. 

I was pleasantly surprised by our room.  I think it helps being small, because to everyone else, it may seem a little cramped.  But the fact that we had a king-sized bed in there, it was roomy enough for me!  We were able to order room service 24/7, and really, the food was great!  I think the sushi bar and the round-the-clock availability of ice-cream made the trip worth while! 

Our room with a king-sized bed!  And our window with a view!

 

Apart from the food, we loved the on-board entertainment.  The nightly staged shows were of professional quality, and we enjoyed the comedians (when their jokes were clean) and particularly enjoyed the trivia quizzes (we're such competitive people!). 

Me and my handsome husband during formal night before dinner.

The downside of the cruise was that there were a lot of teenagers.  The drinking age in the Bahamas is 18.  Need I say more?  Fortunately, Jared and I were able to find a pleasant spot on the upper decks to sit out in the sun, read, tan, sip cocktails, and enjoy some peace and tranquility!

My view on most days as I laid out in the sun!

 

Our first stop was to the private island of Half Moon Cay.  We had to take a ferry from the ship to the island (you can see the ferry on the right).  I love the crystal blue waters!

We really enjoyed our first cruise.  However, I think we'd take the all-inclusive resorts over the cruise any day!  It was a good experience though!

Having some cocktails at the Piano Bar on the last night of our cruise.

#12. Do something exotic...swim with the dolphins!

Again, on our cruise, I was able to check this next thing on my list off!  Everyone has a different definition of the word "exotic".  I guess I equate it to something that is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, or something that I wouldn't get to do very often.  Living in Australia, I did get to swim with the dolphins, but I never got close enough to touching them, let alone hugging one or dancing with one!  So, it was a no-brainer when an excursion on the cruise presented itself to us.  We signed up for our "Dolphin Encounter" in Nassau!  And by far, it was both Jared and my favorite thing about our cruise.  (and just an fyi...dolphins are my favorite animal/mammal!)

 

So happy!!

The List...#7, #8, #9

I know it's been a while since I last blogged about my 40 things to do list.  Just having too much fun this summer!  Well, now that summer is officially over since Joshua is back at school, I figured I need to pick up where I left off.  I've been checking off a few things on my "40 List".  Here are just a few...

#7.  Take a Zumba Class

And I did!  And I loved it!

I utilized a Groupon gift card which I got for my birthday to purchase a 10-visit pass.  Today was my first class, and I was greeted by the warmest people at the Health First Wellness Center in Schaumburg.  My Zumba instructor, Terri, was ah-mazing!  She's probably my mother's age, but she had the energy of my four-year-old!  And she rocked it!  The class was so much fun, and I can't wait for my next one!

#8. Own a pair of Tom's shoes

I feel like I'm the last person around who owns a pair of Tom's shoes.  But a cute red wedge caught my eye in Nordstrom on my way to work on a winter's day.  I'm not a shoe person by any means, but for some reason, I fell in love with this pair of wedges.  So, in January, I started saving for these shoes.  In May, I became the proud owner of a pair of Tom's shoes! 

(My Tom's!  Do you like how the Ninjago guys in the background are adoring it too?
 

 

#9.  Find the best recipe for ribs

 

I know it's only June, and the year is only half-way through.  But I've tried 4 ribs recipes so far, and I've narrowed it down to my favorite.  But before I reveal the recipe, I wanted to address my insatiable appetite for ribs.  I've always been a "give me meat or steak" kind of girl.  I attribute that to my dad's influence!  He used to work in the shipping business, where he would deal with the import/export of food to big shipping companies, like ocean-liners, fleets, etc.  So, my dad knows food!  Hence, his food snobbery rubbed off on me!  He knew what and where to get the choicest steaks, the best wine, the sort-after seafood.  

 

I don't remember when it was when I tried ribs for the first time.  I've had home-made Chinese pork ribs, but maybe it wasn't till I moved to the States that I tried ribs bathed in BBQ sauce.  And I was in heaven!  I think the best ribs I had was when I was in Louisiana.  It was a small hole-in-the-wall restaurant.  I remember we had to climb up a narrow set of staircase and were ushered to a rickety table and chairs.  But the ribs made up for it all!  I haven't been the same since!  I love the South!  And I have yet to find ribs of the same caliber in the Chicagoland area.  Hence, my quest this year...to find the best recipe (or something close enough!) so that I make it myself!

 

I know I don't like the dry rub ones, nor the ones that have hardly any meat on it.  I've had decent ribs at Wildfire Restaurant, but roll my eyes at other franchises that say they have the best ribs in town (I don't think so Chili's, Applebee's, and even Portillo's!).   My criteria for good-eatin' ribs are that they have to be fall-off-the-bone, juicy, sweet & spicy, and just finger-lickin' good!  The ones that require a bib and a boxful of napkins.  Tie-your-hair-back, take-jewelry-off-your fingers, roll-up-your-sleeves, and be-ready-to-get-messy kind of ribs!

 

After scouring websites, cookbooks, and some recipes from friends, I think I found one that's pretty close to what I tasted in Louisiana.  Thanks to my friend, Sam, here's the recipe.  It's simple, but so delicious!

 

 

BBQ Ribs (oven or grill)

Boil (90 mins)

Bake @ 425 (20 mins each side) or

Grill each side with BBQ sauce

- baby back ribs, quartered slabs

- boil, then simmer in stock pot w/onions, minced garlic, generous amounts of salt & pepper, or Lawry's seasoning. Any savory or mesquite spices will do.

- after boiling until meat is fork tender or easily pulled away from bone, transfer to baking pan or large dish

- generously slather on BBQ sauce of choice, bake curl side up first (20 mins), then flip,

  slather more BBQ sauce, finish baking other side (20 mins) or browned & glazed to liking

 

I made the ribs accompanied with an Asian Ramen Salad.  This picture doesn't do it justice!

More on Letting Go

It's Sunday morning and as it turns out, both Jared and I are sick.  He went to Urgent Care and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia (I never understood that term...).  I haven't had the chance to go to the doctor yet, so we just have to make do with us two being sick and take turns being on kiddie duty.  Since I feel like a Mac truck just ran over me, I'm resting in bed this morning.  On the bright side, I'm able to catch up on some reading, some emails, and some blogging!  It's a rarity that I get an extended amount of down time!

The first week of school is well underway, and it seems like routine is slowly starting to take root again in our home.  Joshua started his Fall season of soccer, and I've accepted a subbing assignment for this coming week...God-willing, I'll be feeling better by then.

Josh with good friend, Jack, on the first day of soccer.

I was a couple of days behind on my Jesus Calling devotion, and was doing some catch-up this morning.  I wish I had read the August 23rd devotion on the 23rd!  It spoke volumes to me, and it would have coincided nicely with the prayer time I had with the other moms from school.  Here's what it said...

"Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care.  They are much safer with me than in your clinging hands.  If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one - and yourself...

 

...when you release loved ones to me, you are free to cling to my hand.  As you entrust others into my care, I am free to shower blessings on them.  My presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest.  This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me.  Watch to see what I will do."

As a mom, I am such a control-freak.  Okay, who am I kidding?  I'm a control freak in all areas of my life!  Learning to let go and surrender is very difficult. 

For so many years of my life, starting from around my mid-teens, I've had to take care of myself.  I didn't grow up in a "normal" family and my rites of passage were either way too early or excluded all together.  I've had to figure things out, figure life out mostly by myself, and by the grace of God, He's given me a conservative spirit which I believe was to my benefit during those formative years.  Don't get me wrong, I did have some fun along the way...but nothing that has caused me a lifetime of regret.  Just the typical retrospective "what were you thinking?", like the time when I was in Barcelona, and some fellow Aussies and I were challenged by other fellow Commonwealth friends (namely the South Africans and Brits!) into a drinking game.  Or when I got lost in Athens and decided it was a good idea to follow some stranger on a bus because he said he knew how to get to the US Embassy (yes, my dad still reminds me to this day that I could've been lying dead in a ditch somewhere!), or when I found myself in downtown LA at 2am waiting for a bus to take me back to the youth hostel, or trying to prove a point by hanging over the ledge of a precipice at the Grand Canyon.

But for the most part, I think I've done a pretty good job at taking care of myself, not really having to rely on anyone.  And then came marriage and kids.  As newly-weds, Jared and I both brought with us our own sets of ideas of how certain things should be done.  Things like finances, car maintenance, just to name a couple!  I remember how difficult it was for me to relinquish control over the finances because how it worked for me all these years SHOULD be the way we do it in our new marriage, right?  Even though every fiber in my being was screaming "My way is the right way!", I had to learn how to release that control.  I've always had my own checking account, and it's something that my dad had always ingrained in me.  Maybe it's an Asian thing, I don't know.  But the notion of having a joint account after I became Mrs. Ahrens bothered me.  To clarify, I'm okay with the joint account, but there was NO WAY I was getting rid of my own checking account!  Through the course of the first couple of years of marriage, I stayed true to my convictions.  But I realized that having an exclusive joint account was something very important to Jared.  So, I think on our 2nd or 3rd Christmas together as a married couple, I put my letter from the bank in a gift box, wrapped it up and gave it to Jared.  The letter was a confirmation of me terminating my own checking account.  I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was a huge step for me to relinquish my control over my finances to someone else, even if that someone else is my husband.

With the kids, I've always had this residual pride that since I was a teacher, that I knew kids.  And when I was pregnant, I read so many books on how to take care of babies, child-rearing, subscribed to Parenting magazines, etc.  I just wanted to be in the know.  It irked me when Jared came along and decided to do things with the kids his own way, and the prideful side of me would get mad and say "you haven't read a single thing about parenting, so what makes you think that what you're doing is right?!"  But I've made so many mistakes as a parent, and on most days, I wish I could be more like Jared!  He follows his heart, not a book.  He follows his God-given parental instincts, and not a list of have-to's. 

So, letting go has been a difficult process for me.  Not only with the kids, but with my life.  I need to surrender all aspects of my life to Him.  He is in control.  He is in the driver's seat.  I just need to trust and obey, and let God be God.  Jan Silvious, a Christian comedian, says "There's only one God, and you're not Him."  How true!  So as the kids get older, I know that I will be plunging head first into learning how to release them.  The devotion on the 23rd is just a reminder to me that God is with them.  It's not only letting them go, but also letting God work, letting Him bless them.  And letting His peace dwell in me and see what He will do in my own life.

"Under His wings you will find refuge."

First Day of School

Today is the first day of 2nd grade for Joshua.  How did 7 years fly by in what seemed like a blink of an eye?  I must admit, I get as nervous and anxious as Joshua does!  With the start of each year comes a blank slate.  What will this year hold?  What will he learn?  Who will his best friend at school be?  What will be his favorite subject (it thrilled me to no end that he said that his favorite thing to do in school is writing...and not recess!!  He even bought a journal!)?

With the start of each year also comes lots of prayers.  I pray especially for the teachers, his classmates, and for protection over the school.  Prayer is the only thing that keeps me sane while Joshua is away from me.  Prayer is an acknowledgment that God is greater, that God is in control, and that God is watching over my Joshua and is with him when I can't (He's the omnipresent babysitter!).  Last year, I invited a couple of moms from Joshua's class over to our home for some fellowship and to spend some time praying for our children.  I believe that there is a great battle going on over the hearts, souls, and minds of our children.  We need to be warrior moms who will go into battle for our kids.  God has equipped us with the gift of prayer as our weapon.  And nobody wants to mess with a group of moms who have donned their armor and are wielding their swords of faith, right?  So, I'm looking forward to our battle prayer time with the other moms from school.

 

¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." (Ephesians 6:13-18)

Joshua didn't want to get out of bed this morning, even though we started getting him up early last week so that he'd get used to it (he's such a teenager-wannabe!).  Eventually, he did after much coaxing and threats!  We finished breakfast, got dressed, and took the traditional first day of school pics.  As we walked to school, I wondered...will he still hold my hand??  And he did!  And that just made my day!  I remember telling Jared that this may be the last year that he'll hold my hand before he thinks it's uncool!

Anyway, I sent my first-born off to 2nd grade this morning, and I'll have a couple of weeks for my mommy heart to recover before sending Jenna off to preschool.  I thought that with each passing year, the first day of school will get easier.  Well, it isn't for me.  It's not just a rite of passage for the children, but for the parents too.

In honor of the first day of school, below is a blog post I wrote for Joshua when he started kindergarten!  It still brings a tear to my eye...

Enjoy!


The night before the first day of Kindergarten...

We picked out your clothes...you wanted to wear your new football t-shirt.

We packed your backpack, and placed it by the door...I'm so proud of you for not complaining about not having a new bag, and you are perfectly happy with the Toy Story backpack from last year.

We snuggled into your bed, and read a new book about the night before kindergarten...you were so excited about all the new things that you would learn this year!

And we prayed together...for a good night's sleep and thanked God for the many blessings in our lives, especially for Kindergarten and that it's finally here.

I kissed you good-night as I always do, and as I turned off your light, you said to me "Mommy, I'm growing up! I can't wait to go to Kindergarten tomorrow!"

"Yes, baby! You're going to Kindergarten! And I'm so proud of you!" But as I said those words, I fought back tears, and I felt something squeezing my heart. For I never thought this day would come. Okay, I know it's just Kindergarten...but time is zooming by like the speed of light, and I can barely catch my breath before the next milestone appears. So, on this night before yet another milestone, I want to capture the moment and store it in my heart forever. I feel like this is the first step of me letting go, as if my pinky finger is being pryed open...slowly, but surely, I have to let you go.

But as I let you go, I know that you are not going alone. I pray that you will know that God is with you...and my heart goes with you, too.

So, on the morning of the first day of school, this is what I saw...



But my heart saw this...





And when you sat in the car, I turned and saw this...



But really, this is what I saw...




And when I hugged you goodbye and wished a great first day for you, Daddy took this picture...



But these are the pictures that are etched in my heart...





I love you, Joshua!

Do Not Abandon Your Mission

I know it's been a long time since I posted on my blog.  You can't see this, but I have a list of posts that are sitting as drafts.  I don't know about you, but I can't quite seem to find a good chunk of time to sit down and write a post, let alone complete one.  When I went back to my list of drafts, I get disillusioned because it just reminds me yet again of all my good intentions, yet failing to complete tasks at hand.  Such is my life as a mom, I suppose. 

I have to admit, though, that this has been a busy season, a difficult season, an empty season.  Those adjectives sound so contradictory, yet true.  Yes, in the midst of busyness, one can feel empty.  I confess that busyness is my drug.  My attempt to mask the pain of emptiness and loneliness.  At the end of the day, even though I've done a,b,c with x,y,z, my soul still yearns to be filled.  And in my emptiness, it is not difficult for the evil one to fill it with lies, accusations, threats, death.

A week ago, I said ENOUGH! 

I need Jesus.

I need Him to fill me.  I need Him to restore me, love me, and to give me peace.  Yes, peace!  The kind of peace that surpasses understanding, as He promised in Philippians 4.  The peace that calmed the storm in Matthew 12.  The pure, unadulterated peace that chases away doubt, chaos, fear, lies, and then envelopes you with calmness, stillness, contentment, REST, hope, and truth! 

It was a week ago that I had the privilege to help my good friend, Becky, out at the Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Church.  It's been 4 years since I last went, and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to go this year.  Becky was representing Freedom Firm, an organization that rescues girls from the brothels in India who had been sold into sex trafficking, and Freedom Firm's work also encompasses the restoration and rehabilitation of these girls (www.freedomfirm.org).  I was thrilled to be able to help Becky for 2 days, and even more so, I'm so proud of her for living out her dream and fulfilling her holy discontent.

God chose to bless me over the 2 days that I was at the Summit.  Even though I was there to serve, I was blessed and convicted by the messages that I heard during the sessions.  That's the beauty of the GLS.  You don't have to be a leader to appreciate and be reminded of the truths of God's word and the love our great God has for each of us.  But as a leader, the messages were encouraging, thought-provoking, and almost like a friend who is there to cheer you on as you reflect on your leadership role and responsibilities. 

I loved Colin Powell's message (yes, THE Colin Powell...see pic below.  Since I was helping out at a booth, I could not be in the auditorium.  But we had an excellent view of the screens that showed what was going on in the main auditorium!). 

He was articulate, down-to-earth, relatable, and funny at times.  But one thing that stood out to me in his message was "do not abandon your mission".  As a mom, there are days when I've just had it.  I've given myself a time-out just to have some quiet in my bedroom, or even taken long, intentional potty breaks, to literally sit and be still!  God has called me to be a mom.  It's one of my missions.  But obviously, I can't abandon my kids!  But I believe that it's somewhat abandonment if I'm not being the mom whom God has called me to be.  I'm not saying we have to be "on" 24/7, or to be the perfect, pinterest-personified mom.   But a mom who seeks after God and His Kingdom first.  A mom who is real, and surrenders herself, failures and all, to Jesus.  A mom who says "I can't do this.  I suck at this.  I hate this." and brings all her insecurities and fears on her knees to God.  A mom who is knee-deep in laundry and dishes, and is having a hard time finding joy in all things, but raises her soap-lathered hands and just closes her eyes and whispers "Jesus give me strength".  I know God sees us.  He sees you.  I know there'll be a special place in the heavenly spas for us moms.  But while we're here on earth, we need to be faithful to the calling that God has for our lives. 

"Do not abandon your mission."  It doesn't just have to be motherhood, but also ministry, work, being a wife or a good friend. 

But how can I be the mom (or wife or friend) God has called me to be if I'm feeling empty?  This is when I knew it's time for some soul care.

As I listened to the messages at the Summit, something happened in my soul.  I wanted the conference to go on for days, because as I sat there listening and being blessed and reminded of truths, I just wanted more and more of it.  It was like a dry desert plain that was experiencing the first drops of rain, and it was absorbing every ounce of moisture that touched it's surface.  And in my soul, I just knew I needed more of this.  More of Jesus. 

So, the week after the Summit was over, I committed to listening to messages online in the afternoons while Becca napped and the older kids had some quiet down time.  I downloaded messages onto iTunes and listened to them as I trained for my half-marathon.  I listened to Elderege, Ortberg, Christine Caine like a million times!  And while I only started this commitment not too long ago, I know that it's only doing good for my soul.  And I pray that, in time, the truths of God's word and love delivered through gifted speakers, can and will transform me from the inside out. 

I was blessed by Patrick Lencioni, Brene Brown, Henry Cloud, and others at the conference, and I could write so much more about how their words have encouraged me.  And maybe I will as I continue on my journey of wanting more of Jesus. 

Colin Powell also posed the question, "Were you a good soldier?"  I know that when the day comes for God to call me home, He will ask me a similar question as I stand before Him to give an account of my life.  Have I been a good warrior?  Have I fought the good fight?  Did I run the race well?  Have I been faithful to Him who has set me apart to be His? 

I want to be able to look at my Jesus in the eye and say that I have tried, though not perfectly, but I've tried.  And my heart's desire is to hear him say, "My beloved!  My good and faithful servant."

The List...#5 & #6

#5.  Pride & Prejudice

I love Jane Austen.  I love Pride & Prejudice.  I love everything about the 19th century, particularly in England.  I love historical fiction. 

I majored in English in college (or as we say it, at the University!) back in Australia, with a concentration on early and late 19th Century literature.  From an early age, I had a love for reading.  I remember crawling into bed with a torch (or flashlight), and had to go under the covers to continue reading after it was past my bedtime.  It was without surprise that I had to wear glasses at the young age of 7, because of my constant escapades with reading in very poorly lit environments!  But reading was my form of escapism.  I dived right into the world of fiction and adventure.  My first favorite author was Enid Blyton who was an English children's writer, and she wrote the 22-book series called "The Famous Five".  It is similar to the American version of the Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew.  I also read her entire collection of "The Secret Seven", and all the books of the "St. Claire's" series, which is about twin girls going off to boarding school in England.  As my love for reading grew, so did my love for writing.  I wanted to grow up to be a freelance journalist, possibly traveling the world and writing...my 2 great passions at that time.

When I was in secondary school (which is equivalent to junior high/high school), I was introduced to Jane Austen, and the wonderful world of Pride and Prejudice.  And there was no turning back after that!  I fell in love with everything Jane Austen!  I read and reread all her books.  While I enjoyed Sense and Sensibility, Emma, and Northanger Abbey, Pride and Prejudice captured my heart, and it became my favorite book of all times. 

I loved the spunkiness of Elizabeth, and secretly wished that I could be more like her - smart, witty, confident, self-assured, not really caring what other people thought of her, stayed true to herself and her convictions, fought for what is right and stood up for herself (loved it when she stood up to Lady Catherine de Burgh!  or Catherine de bleh!...as I used to call her!).

I'm such an Austen nerd that I made it a point to visit Chawton in Hampshire when I was in England.  In 2005, I was visiting my sister who lived in London at that time, and made a day trip out to the English countryside!  I was giddy with excitement on the bus to Chawton, and Jared was a good sport to accompany me on my crazy quest to find the birthplace of my favorite author.  The bus took us to the small town of Chawton, and we literally had to walk across the grassy knolls to get to Jane Austen's house.  Of course I had to pretend that I was an Austen character and was living out the day-to-day routine of having to walk from place-to-place if a carriage was not available.  It took everything in me to not steal anything from the Austen household!  I was mesmerized and in awe of being there (I think Jared was probably wondering if there was a nearby pub that had ESPN).  After spending some time there, we took another bus which took us to Winchester Cathedral where she was buried.  I had to pay my respects to her.

It was an amazing day for this Jane Austen fan!

     

Jane Austen's house

Jane's writing desk!

Anyway, this year, as a tribute to the 200th Anniversary of Pride & Prejudice (as well as it being on my 40 List!), I wanted to reread the book and re-watch all the movies that have been made about the book.  Needless to say, it was an enjoyable feat!  So, if I haven't already bored you, here's my account of the movies that I own and have seen umpteenth times:

My Pride & Prejudice movie collection!

Pride & Prejudice - BBC version with Colin Firth:

By far my favorite!  This version stays truest to the story of P&P.  The fact that it's a 6-hour mini series gives it liberty to work the details of the story into the movie, unlike the Hollywood versions who try to cram everything into 90 minutes or so, which doesn't give the book justice at all!

Pride & Prejudice - Hollywood version with Keira Knightley:

It was okay, though I really like Matthew McFadyen as Mr. Darcy.  While the movie stayed true to the story, the writers/producers took a lot of liberty with the script.  They added their own interpretation of what Austen wrote.  I've never been a big fan of Keira Knightley, so I thought they could have cast someone better.  But casting Tom Hollander as Mr. Collins was brilliant.  He was awkward, funny, and highly entertaining!

Lost in Austen:

This is fun modern-day-meets-19th-century-world-of-Elizabeth-and-Darcy movie.  It's about a woman who loves Pride and Prejudice and everything about it, and she somehow finds a portal that transports her to the Bennett household.  She and Elizabeth Bennett actually trade places (yes, Lizzy comes to live in modern day England, while Amanda becomes a guest in the Bennett household).  But the story is more about Amanda meeting all the characters of Pride and Prejudice, and how she tries to prevent certain plots from occurring because that would just ruin the whole story, like forcing Mr. Bingley to NOT fall in love with her because he needs to fall in love with Jane to remain true to the story.  For Downton Abbey fans, Hugh Bonneville (Sir Grantham) is Mr. Bingley.  And by far, this version has the creepiest Mr. Collins EVER!  Eek...he literally makes my skin crawl!  Overall, this movie is different, but entertaining!

Bride & Prejudice:

Okay, true confession...watching this movie is one of my guilty pleasures!  It is the Bollywood version of Pride and Prejudice, and it is soooo fun to watch!  There's dancing and singing, and it is so colorful!  You have to overlook some of the cheesiness, but you'll definitely find this fun and entertaining!  The story is based in India, so just imagine the Bennett family as Indians, and the story does stay true to the plot.  I guarantee that you'll be smiling and singing along!  And Aishwarya Rai (who plays the Elizabeth character) is truly gorgeous!  Mr. Darcy (Martin Henderson) isn't too bad himself!

As I was looking on Amazon.com, I noticed that there is an older version of Pride and Prejudice starring Laurence Olivier and Ann Rutherford.  I will have to watch that soon!

If I haven't bored you yet, here's my fantasy cast of Pride and Prejudice:

Elizabeth Bennett - I'm still not sure...it's a huge role!  If Jennifer Gardner can pull off a British accent, maybe it could work.  But she's so sweet, unless she unleashes her Alias character!
Mr. Darcy - toss up between Matthew McFadyen (in the Hollywood version) or Hugh Jackman
Mr. Bingley - Eddie Redmayne (he played Marius from Les Mis)
Jane Bennett - Nicole Kidman or a blonde Jennifer Gardner
Mr. Bennett - Hugh Bonneville (from Downton Abbey)
Mrs. Bennett - Emma Thompson
Mr. Wickham - not sure...who's someone you'd love to hate?  Maybe Ryan Gosling?
Caroline Bingley - Mary from Downton Abbey (I forgot what her real name is)
Lady Catherine de Burgh - Maggie Smith (from Downton Abbey)

Mr. Collins - anyone weird and creepy, though I do like Tom Hollander from the Hollywood version, he's also in the Pirates of the Carribean), or Russell Crowe...haha!

 

And to show you what a freak I am, here are some of my Jane Austen/Pride & Prejudice collectables:

 

I bought this coffee mug and kitchen towel with the inscription of Mr. Darcy's profession of love to Elizabeth.

 

English Tea is my absolute favorite!

 

Books I bought when I was in Chawton.

Yes!  They even have a board book of P&P!  This is a counting book.  I believe the baby board book for Sense & Sensibility covers numbers and Emma covers shapes (or something like that!)

 

#6. Go to the movies by myself

I thought it would be weird, but it wasn't.  It was actually quite nice!  I mean, you don't talk to people during the movie anyway.  I actually walked out of there with a huge smile on my face...maybe because I finally did it, and the movie had a happy ending. 

I was on my personal retreat, and I thought it would be neat to go catch a movie by myself, just to break up the day.  I watched "Safe Haven", another movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book.  I didn't have any expectations, but it turned out to be pretty good.  I loved "The Notebook", and Jared liked "The Lucky One" (oops, I hope he doesn't kill me for disclosing this!).  I think "Safe Haven" is in between, but with a thriller twist. 

'Nuff said.  I did it!  And I'm proud of myself for doing it.  I may have to make this a regular thing!